I previous discussed the dangers of the deadly giant Earthworm. Recently, a new discovery has been made, the tiny Anaconda, which has been dubbed the “MicroConda”.

This is a force to be reckoned with. The Life cycle of the Microconda consists of the following phases:

First, they are born as a sort of virus. Microscopic in size, and they infect bacteria that live in a mammal’s intestines. The bacteria don’t die, but the MicroConda Larvae virus infiltrates the cell nucleus and changes the mitocondrial DNA to collect phosporus from the bloodstream. This is used and combined to create a photosensitive mitochondria. The virus then uses it’s powers of nucleic persuasion to do this to two mitochondria, forming eyes. A side effect (and therefore a symtom of microCondal infection) is that all excrement from the mammal will glow bright Orange. Once the infected bacteria are released in this fashion,they seep into the ground where they are ingested by tree roots. Through a process known as osmosis, the tree sap (as well as the infected/mind-controlled bacteria) finds it’s way to the forest canopy, and finds it’s way into a leaf.At this point, the larvae form simply waits until a leaf-miner caterpillar eats it. It infects the caterpillar and reprograms it so that it eats almost three times as fast as your standard leaf-miner. At the same time, it reprograms the DNA instructions that will be “executed” when the caterpillar enters it’s chrysalis. The leaf-miner, due to it’s larger intake of food grows to epic proportions, to the point where it is nearly 3 feet long. Since this is readily visible to predators, the virus creates a networked computer system inside the caterpillar, using the caterpillars organs as a sort of Bio-Nemetic processor. Using this, it also puts up a meta-phasic shield around the caterpillar, which turns any predator within 3 feet of it into a flaming mess.

At this point, the larvae sets a course for the most stable branch of the tree, and begins the reconfiguration process by initiating the formation of a chrysalis. During this time, the larvae has created a sort of replicator technology and protects the chrysalis using a metal alloy, in addition to the shields described earlier.

During the reconfiguration process, the larvae reconfigures the caterpillar slightly so that instead of forming a butterfly, it creates a small interstellar spacecraft that is capable of faster then light travel (easier then it sounds really, in fact the butterflies as they are today are really a result of a cosmic ray that hit one of the first evolved caterpillars and knocked it’s gene sequence out of whack, so that they all have the “do not form a interstellar light-speed capable starship” gene.). Once the larvae emerges in it’s newfound starship, it spends exactly 13 nights hovering around the globe in front of very drunk and paranoid people, as well as those who like to form UFO conspiracy theories, knowing full well that not only will they think they were much larger then they were but also that they were real starships.

After the 13-day rest, the larvae sets course for Mars, where it sits dormant in the Martian soil in order to confuse scientists. It makes a deliberate effort to try to be scooped up in any Rovers that come by, in an attempt to further confuse people about wether there is life on Mars. After (usually in vain) waiting there for another 13 years, the Larvae (yes, it’s still a larvae) powers up it’s Engines and sets course away from Earth. This is where the cycle get’s confusing- Nobody really knows what happens to it, but it always returns on Memorial Day 15 years later at exactly 10:00 PM GMT, which is the exact time Oprah is on in Little Rock Arkansas, but because of the memorial day parades and stuff the Larvae doesn’t get to see it. Because of it’s long isolation on Mars, it blames humanity for it’s troubles, and is intent on causing at least 3 unsolved mysteries and one cold case that is eventually blamed on the victims father on law. It does this by cleverly shooting each subject in the face with a AA torpedo, which is similar to a Photon Torpedo but instead of a Engine driving by fictitious warp plasma it runs on 2 AA batteries. the cold case is inevitably solved in some way or another by the Larvae leaving behind one of the batteries.

About this time, it faces the alter-ego of itself- the Boogers. These are formed when the Larvae accidentally infects a caterpillar that becomes a moth instead of a Butterfly. Due to the increased complications involved in trying to reprogram the moth to become a spaceship (unlike the butterfly, which as I stated would naturally metamorphose into a Interstellar starship if not for the supression gene) the Moth instead has a gene that suppresses it from becoming Liam Gallagher, who, ineffectually, is in fact the single case where the Larvae was unable to change the DNA fast enough to prevent the onset of Gallagralitis.

Those Microconda Larvae which, after reading through a few pages of the code comments on the Caterpillar’s DNA, determine that they are in fact inside the wrong type of caterpillar, set quickly to work on trying to limit the damage and try ot set them to metamorphize into something more useful. The lucky ones are able to cause the Caterpillar to metamorphize into a large perfect cube of mucus, which have been dubbed “boogers” by most 5 year olds who have seen it. The unlucky ones (only one so far) are unable to prevent the inevitable and accidentally cause the caterpillar to metamorph into Liam Gallagher. Thankfully, this has only happened once, and the other few instances were deep in the jungle where he lived his life out as a Howler Monkey. (actually wait, that’s the same as the one who managed to pass as human… oh well).

Now, back to the “boogers”. Now, As I said, these were the lucky ones. they were able to salvage their situation and still create a interstellar starship with metaphasic shielding, however, the one difference is that they have to wait nearly 60 hours for their outter layer of mucus to try before they enter lightspeed. As it happens, they often encounter the more successful “butterfly” marvae when they return from their sabbatical on Mars. The Boogered Moth only has one goal in mind, assimilation of everything else. It wants to integrate everything into it’s collective. however, unlike the species that I am obviously basing this off, they are a lot smaller. Most of their drones consist of grasshoppers and the occasional Lichen, neither of which are very useful. The “mucus” implants are really just a thin coating of mucus that does nothing to enhance their abilities, and there is no need to supress their will because, I mean, their grasshoppers, lichens, and a few stray bits of fluff. Oh, and some wasps. The wasps are probably the easiest to control I would imagine, they have one of the simplest DNA programs. So anyway, they inevitably meet with the vastly superior Butterfly version, and they engage in combat- Usually in and around the Asteroid belt, where the Butterfly Larvae is able to fire far more AA torpedoes then it had originally. The Booger cube uses it’s established defense tactic of moving lazily to the left, which keeps the Butterfly version on it’s toes.

The outcome is different everytime.

Well, that’s not true, there are only 4 possibilities:

1. the Butterfly Larvae wessel destroys the booger cube

2. The Booger cube assimilates the Butterfly larvae ship.

3. Both are destroyed in an ambush by T.I.E fighters

4. Neither one is destroyed, and the butterfly larvae instead moves into a career as a rock musician, while the Booger cube supresses it’s “pretty” gene a little further and becomes a common member on “The View”.

Now, the Butterfly larvae wins most of the time, being that the Booger Cubes best defense against the AA torpedoes are mucus torpedoes, which aren’t very useful. At this point, regardless of who wins, they celebrate by visiting my Aunt Martha for a bowl of Brown beans. Yes, she is intricately involved in the ecology of a species. I warned her that she was breaking the Prime directive, then I realize that was a completely fictitious law and it was a lot funner to do the opposite anyway. It actually all started when she left the spaghetti leftovers in the fridge for nearly a year. by the time somebody found them they had already grown sentient and had even started their own version of American Idol. (And no, being sentient and watching American Idol don’tcreate an oxymoron). Apparently they had been holding frequent referendums between those spaghetti strands that lived touching the sauce (known as saucicans) and those not touching the sauce (whose name isn’t important, I think they called them John Mayer’s because of their intrinsic boring quality.) Anyway When my Uncle Ruddiger opened it up, he released the Flying Spaghetti monster, and it has become a ridiculous meme on internet forums and chatrooms ever since. The flying Spaghetti Monster laid eggs and gave birth to the very first Microcondan life forms, which are really only snake-like for a few days.

Anyways, After visiting my aunt Martha, the spend the next 2 years going back in time and just barely making it back, and finally decide that while they don’t necessarily like Fresca, it’s not the worst drink in the world, and it’s certainly good to hae around fort diabetics, who are rather sensitive to their sugar intake. After havingthis epiphany, the StarShip’s Self-destruct is activated and the Larvae leaves using an escape pod, this escape pod is in fact a long slender organic mass, and is a snake like form as well. At this point it hides itself in Cajun cooking and is ingested. There it lays it’s eggs and is excreted, and then flushed down the toilet. It makes it’s way to the sewage treatment plant, where, by careful planning, it manages to sabotage the entire place so that instead of outputting treated sewage it gives out Coca Cola (it only takes a few minor adjustments and a touch of lemon). With it’s newfound business sense, it now roams across the country converting sewage treatment plants to Coca-Cola bottling knock-off plants. However it is soon discovered that the MicroConda isn’t actually a human being, which puts a dent in his credibility (namely, the large speech bubble on every can saying “Yes, I am a human being”. It slinks off into the shadows, returning only shortly to plan a trip to the Amazon Rainforest where it grew up. At this point, in a twisted set of logic, the Microconda is thinking “haha, I am so doing this of my own free will, my base instincts would never send me back to the rainforest I grew up, when in fact, that is exactly what is happening. Little does he know it, but the cycle is about to complete.

So, he goes on a tour in the rainforest, pretty much the same one that they filmed that Anaconda film on. Speaking of which, that film was pretty awful. Anyways, once there, it ends up getting in a rather heated debate over toilet paper brands with a local Howler monkey, and soon things start getting personal, both sides start questioning the parentage of the other, the promiscuity of each of their mothers is brought up, as well as their immense weight and various other negative traits. (around this time it becomes clear that while one is a howler monkey and the other is a Microconda that a fraction their size, both of their mothers are some sort of diesel or other high octane fuelled locomotive.

After much debate, they both decide to settle their differences by agreeing to disagree, and they both go out for soda. The Microconda, because of his previous epiphany, orders a Fresca. The Howler monkey starts (what else) an intelligent debate about the carcinogenic effects of aspartame, to which the Microconda eloquently replies that there is no real solid evidence either way, and until there is an established, medically sound report that conclusively proves otherwise he wasn’t going to let nonsense rule over his choices. The howler monkey, at this time, requests that they have butt sex, which the Microconda of course politely declines, “It’s not you, it’s me, I don’t have an anus” he replies. The howler Monkey, heartbroken but quite understanding to the Microconda suggests that he have anal reconstructive surgery in which he can finally achieve his lifelong dream of owning an Anus.

After many years of planning the operation, Dr A. Tear finally decides that it is doable. So, on the following Tuesday, The Microconda finally has an operation to give him an Anus. The Observatorium is packed with onlookers, I was among them- I distinctly recall ordering two hot dogs and a ice cold beer from the fellow selling refreshments, in fact, which I ate and drank while watching the Microconda being torn a new butt-hole, so to speak. Or should I say literally… I don’t know.

Unfortunately in the second half of the operation there were complications, namely, Dr. Ass Tear forgot which side of the Microconda was his new butt and which one was his mouth, and started working on the wrong side. This was quickly corrected when I threw my shoe at him from a distance.

After recovering from the surgery for nearly 12 minutes, the Dr. declared it was a complete success. At that point he informed us that he’d like to keep the Microconda here for at least a week for observation, which seemed fine to me, I mean, I was only sort of related to him through my Aunt martha, and even that was a Dubious connection. The Howler monkey did (what else?) differential equations to pass the time, and tutored his many advanced astrophysics students in the finer points of Einsteins Special theory of relativity, namely the importance of reference frames. Or maybe that the General theory. I don’t know, I was reading some awful MacCleans magazines from 1994.

After the Microconda recovered, he prompty returned home to his wife, Mrs.Howler monkey, with whom he engaged in frequent butt sex. Unfortunately, during one such episode, the chainsaw they were using became sentient and wrote rude words on the floor. The landlady of the area was not impressed at all and evicted both of them, where they both lived on the street as vagrants for a year before finally starting their own restaurant, “Howling Snake” It was mildly successful, at least until that incident where started to murder anybody who tried to pay with a discover card. Once again homeless vagrants in addition to being fugitives from the law, they started to live the homeless life which consisted of mostly not having a home. They made small change by having the Howler monkey do (what else) derived calculus equations on the street for money. unfortunately, their luck quickly got a lot worse. on a trip to the amazon rainforest, The Microconda caught a mild disease known as the “uncommon cold”. On his death bed, and dying of an unrelated anal aneurysm, the Microconda promised that wherever they met again, butt sex would surely follow. the Howler monkey did (what else?) spatial IQ puzzles. Shortly after, the Microconda died of Natural causes. As his last request, he wanted to be burned, transformed into a fine paste, spread on toast, and thrown into the rainforest. Nobody knows why- the common belief is that it was the fashion of the time. In any case, certain cells regenerated and formed new MicroConda Virii which continued the cycle once again.

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