The greatest threat to mankind….

January 15, 2010 - Humour

According to statistics, the leading cause of death is dying. Well I say boll… wait… dying? No no… add a layer of abstraction…  Anyway, Cancer, murder, Car crashes, etc. People die in all these cases. However, while these are certainly something that we need to try to prevent and/or cure, there is also another, more serious killer that has been killing people for decades completely undetected. The giant earthworm. In fact, this particular fact can easily be gleaned from

Just think of all the people, who read the statistics about how people die, or, more often, see pie charts depicting the various causes of death, such as, for example:

Causes of death as pie slices. everybody loves pie, and therefore depicting death as a pie is far less likely to make people consider death at all. Rather, they instead are thinking pie. This is good. buy more pie. stimulate the economy.

Murder, Cancer, and Car accidents are the common causes that are found here. obviously there are other causes not charted, but they are pretty well constituted in the 20% used for car accidents. (for example, spelling mistakes might make a daycare accident look like it says “daves car accident” so filing these types of reports properly can be a chore. the data itself therefore could easily be flawed.

Uncle Floyd is famous for his Chili sauce, in that he has a habit of using a tad too much Cyanide. It’s also best to avoid his purple kool-aid.

Exploding hemorrhoids may sound humourous, but they are not. They are a serious ailment that affect a large portion of people. This ailment occurs in women at least once every month. they get very cranky and may seem emotional and unpredictable, and there may be blood involved. To combat this, companies have developed wads of cotton known as…. What? you mean, it’s supposed to…. from THERE? … and you let me drivel on about it being hemmoroids… damn I owe Susan an apology… No I doubt she’d accept… Yes I did use industrial grit sandpaper… No actually I lost a pipe cleaner in there… on err… where was I? Oh yes. Anyway, Exploding hemmoroids do not pick on any individual gender, and they are equally painful to both. What needs to be analyzed is what really explodes. Well, it’s a number of things; some people call exploding hemmoroids Anal aneurysms, but an aneurysm only occurs in the brain. That being said, I know people with their head far enough up their ass for this to be true, so I accept it, because it just so happens to coincide with the group of people who want to call them anal aneurysms. The explosion is caused by a build-up of blood vessels; varicose veins. they get bigger and bigger, until one day your pooping and suddenly your feeling faint, and you look and you find your gushing blood everywhere, and you have no idea what to do, since I mean, if you pull your pants up you’ll ruin them, so you kind of stumble to the drawer, gushing out bloody mary’s everywhere, you finally discover your girlfriends tampons, and well- you improvise. Anyway, long story short, you go to the doctor and are diagnosed with exploding hemmoroids. the doctor also suggests that you might want to refrain from shoving tampons up your butt, given your condition, which is, needless to say, an unpleasant one.

Dancing Accidents: these are a little bit harder to understand. I mean, sure, sometimes we’ve had a few too many and try to do the worm or something retarded like that, but the worst case scenario is pretty much that your the laughing stock at work for a month or so, or at least until you manage to photoshop all of your co-workers having a giant orgy, and then blackmail them with it to make them shut-up, and they are oddly complacent considering the evidence was fabricated, which raises a few questions. Anyway, Dancing accidents are accidental in nature, and generally involve dancing that turns tragic (accidentally, of course) through accidental accidents that occur accidentally. There are several documented ways where dancing becomes fatal.

The waltz of death: The waltz is relatively simple, however, do NOT, I repeat, do NOT purposely strangle your partner while dancing. this is NOT part of the dance manuever. Also do be careful not to get your legs tangled or you may become immobile and starve to death, even though your only one table down from the wedding cake, which is odd because your at a bar-mitzvah, which is even stranger because your not jewish.

The Tango of Terror: This involves doing the tango on higher floors of high-rises while workmen are installing new windows. you see, the tango is very strict about dancing manuevers; you must move a certain number of paces. you cannot move less, even if there is a 50 story drop. So, do NOT start dancing the tango under these conditions! by the time you realize your fate, you’ll realize that there is no stylish way to break the dance manoeuvre, and be forced to (stylishly, I might add) fall 50 or so stories to your death.

The Last Disco: Much in the fashion of the last supper painting, the Last Disco… well actually, it has nothing to do with the last supper, aside from the word last. In this particular case, the various disco moves poke the eyes out of a burly biker, who, long story short, get’s a new soup bowl shaped like your skull. The moral? Don’t piss of burly bikers. Or perhaps the lesson is simply to not disco. I suppose either point is equally valid.

Another cause of death is Getting entangled in rhubarb and starving to death. Especially ironic given one could in a worst case scenario eat the rhubarb and both free themselves and enjoy a tasty snack. It is assumed therefore that those who succumbed to this fate don’t like rhubarb enough to die rather then eat it. It’s also a fact that these people get covered in dirt while they struggle against the entwining rhubarb plant, as the rhubarb drips it’s digestive juices. in half of these cases, a giant slug eats both the rhubarb and the victim- only 10% are released from the rhubarb by a giant snail, who in 45% of said cases says something about french cuisine and puts on a beret and 50% of the time complains about his exploding hemmoroids (the other 5% is undecided according to recent gallup polls), while an additional 10% are saved from the rhubarb by spiderman, who in 60% of said cases utters “I really need to find a new hobby”.

Oh, and the last little bit? (what is it? 5%?) sure, it says “unknown” but the enlightened know that this is simply because nobody knows what it is, not because it’s not something that is known, but rather because knowing what it is is not something that anybody does. In either case, however many convoluted steps are taken in the explanation, what it really is, is death from giant earthworm. As with the threat of exploding hemmoroids, the giant earthworm is rarely heard about in the media, why? because if you see a giant earthworm, your already dead. Although I suppose that is an exaggeration, Since, if you see a giant earthworm, you couldn’t possibly be dead since you can see (blindness is a leading symptom of death), I think, what the expression means, is that, OK, your alive, but not for long.

The giant Earthworm feasts on nachos, dried tomatoes, lettuce, dead pidgeons, tofu, and of course, people. (as a saving grace the giant earthworm refuses to eat a person succumbing from exploding hemmoroids, but of course people with said condition have far worse things to worry about). When ingesting people, the earthworm first suffocates the victim by covering it with it’s gross slimey stuff, which tastes like bacon. (this often attracts fat people who serve as future meals). Once dead, The earthworm takes a minute or two to remember which side of it has it’s anus and which side has it’s mouth. Giant Earthworms who mistake the two often end up with hemmoroids if their victim is mexican. Once it does so, it feasts on the victim using it’s balleen and super powerful sucking ability, it smushes the victim into a fine paste which spreads nicely on toast. The giant earthworm travels around underground, dragging a carpetbag filled with fat people it attracted with it’s bacon slime during previous meals. The Earthworm will often use the carpetbag to beat gophers, an act known as “carpetbagging”. Once digested, it leaves castings on the surface that can often weight more then a full grown indian elephant, and smells at least as bad as the Ganges river on a bad day. These castings are often mistaken for motorbikes, but upon closer inspection, it is revealed that they are in fact giant pieces of worm crap. (although they aren’t a far cry from some of the lesser motorcycle brands). Some people have said that they in fact look like giant preparation H cannisters, but this theory is usually proven to be a delusion since these people are later discovered to have exploding hemmoroids.

Giant Earthworms make friends with the smaller, more common earthworm, but also screws their wives behind their back, when the giant earthworm finds out which side is it’s back, that is. It also borrows their stuff and never returns it, or claims it was theirs, and leaves beer cans all over the place, which is weird because the giant earthworm doesn’t drink beer. The giant earthworm, when angered, will often call these lesser worms “dirt-eaters”.

For reproduction, the Giant Earthworm has three genders: Male, Female, And Rubben Studdard. The Male and Female “get busy” (again, once they figure out which side is which). Rubben sings gospel about creation, interrupted intermittently by bouts of vomiting. The giant Earthworm’s male gender attracts the female gender by spreading it’s bacon goo in exact portions. The closer to one cup the male can get, the more likely the female will become his mate. This has led to an evolutionary scale whereby later generations have better portioning skills, what particular purpose this skill has when your face and your but are so dissimilar even you confuse them is a question that has plagued scientists for generations.

Even though the Giant Earthworm is unstoppable, you can stop it. Ok, so it isn’t unstoppable, I was saying that for effect, I mean, I could have said “the giant earthworm is not unstoppable” but I mean, come on, does that sound scary? Hell no. I mean, dammit, recognize poetic license when you see it, you pedantic douchebags. Where was I? Oh yes- you CAN stop a giant earthworm. Things you need include two squirrels, an acorn, a dead pidgeon (bait), a screenshot from the boss room of the first dungeon in the original zelda’s second quest, and a box of matches.

What you do, is you place the acorn between the two squirrels, as they fight over the nut, a giant earthworm will appear (a giant earthworm cannot help but watch a good squarrel.. I mean, quarrel). At this time you need to wrap the dead pidgeon with the screenshot paper and light it on fire with the matchstick, and throw it at the earthworm. This will scare the earthworm away. problem solved!

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