In what I’ve decided to create as a new series, I will be examining some of the spam comments my blog recieves! Oh the excitement!

On my DirectX10 on Windows XP post, rachat de credit writes:

Il semble que vous soyez un expert dans ce domaine, vos remarques sont tres interessantes, merci.

I’m going to do the unthinkable and attempt a translation here before visiting google translate; I believe they are saying they can see I’m a expert in my domain and that they agree with my good posts, thanks, or something to that effect.

and… Drum roll: the translated version from google translate:

It appears that you are an expert in this field, your remarks are very interesting, thank you.

hey, that’s pretty close, at least I got the first part right. my response to this:

Why thank you, but your spam isn’t very effective without any links, and I don’t believe I have comments set to even show the email so that won’t work either. Nice try though.

on my Thoughts on Advertising post, joseph writes the following tome:

I like it

Why thank you joseph, but without further clarification I really don’t know what “it” is. advertising? shitting on toadstools and then throwing the poopy caps at passing pedestrians? Strangling badgers? I mean, please, is three words all you can type? Perhaps they ran out of energy after typing their ten page long email. Ok, that was hyperbole; actually, the email entry is three links; one to some torrent blog thing, a e-mail link to the classy snoopdog24@gmail.com (because, you know, one apparently wasn’t enough, we need 24, at least…. oh dear gawd… there are probably any number of them… This has scared me.).

On my Anagram Search Pattern Post, the oddly named “tattoo supplies” tried to post:

Happens even more cheerfully

I have to say, this poor fellow actually worried me. Not only was he born with a very curious name, but he appeared to be suffering from several serious brain disorders. In any case, I’d like to explore his life history. His name is “tattoo supplies” because at the time he was born his parents owned a tattoo parlour, and when he was born his mother was delirious and started writing a shopping list down on the card for the name. And thus Mr.Supplies name was set in stone. (well, not really, it was written on a card, but you know what I mean).

So he spent his entire childhood being ridiculed for his last name having the same root word as suppository, although I’m not sure how “suppository” can be a word derived from suppose, and probably do not want to know, either. After being dropped on his head as an infant, he was taken into child protective services and managed to have cosmetic surgery so that his head wasn’t as misshapen, but unfortunately no amount of surgery could cure the brain damage that the impact caused. When he was eight he managed to take out a 1 million dollar bank load and spend it all on hookers on blow, save 20 dollars which he invested in Lemon rinds and somehow made 60 million dollars in 40 minutes. However it turned out that he was reading the display upside down and had actually lost 9 dollars. He sunk into a depression after he discovered his new fingerpainting set didn’t include his favourite colour, which was a somewhat off-white sky blue. Now he sits in angst posting short nonsensical sentence fragments on random blogs for no good reason.

on my DirectX10 on Windows XP post, free government grants writes:

Do you people have a facebook fan page? I looked for one on twitter but could not discover one, I would really like to become a fan!

Well, Mr. Grants, I must say you are an enterprisey fellow, trying to find a facebook fan page on twitter, however, is like trying to find to find a car showroom in a grocery store- look as hard as you want, but you aren’t going to find it. I’m not sure the story behind your name, Mr.Grants; perhaps I could get you in touch with Mr.Supplies, and you can share the tales of your scarred childhoods.

on my recent CSI post, nursing assistant writes:

I think one of your advertisements caused my internet browser to resize, you might want to put that on your blacklist.

well, nursing, I can’t say I know what you’re talking about, and without more information I am more apt to ignore you; which is free since actually reading that comment required me to do extra work. Ahhh, akismet, you are glorious. Additionally, without more information it’s difficult to know what the fuck advertisement I am supposed to add to my blacklist; not to mention the fact that google ads never resize anyway.

Pertaining to my Anagram Search program post, katie writes:

sign me up

calm down, calm down- this isn’t publisher’s clearinghouse. You don’t need to “sign up” for anything. particularly I am not sure what you want to sign up for. Perhaps you’ve confused my blog for a petition or a mailing list? or perhaps you are retarded? I don’t know. At least you don’t have a horribly sad backstory behind your name like Mr.Grants or Mr.Supplies.

On my Microsoft and why the mob thinking is wrong post, avg free writes:

how do I join

Well, Mr.Free, I think we would all like to know the answer to the question. the worlds greatest scientists have spent years, if not days or minutes or absolutely no time at all trying to decipher that very riddle. “how do I join? And if I join, do I cease to not be joined? after joining can I split away from the entity with which I joined? do I get to choose which entity with which I join” and so on and so forth, so you truly are not alone. Although I must point out that generally speaking most questions in fact end with a question mark; you’re not so much asking how to join, but makign a nonsensical statement, much like your like minded comrades.

student grants writes, on my CSI post:

My cousin recommended this blog and she was totally right keep up the fantastic work!

your cousin! Why I know him! his name is free government, isn’t it! why I was just talking about him! Yeah, totally! Although now I feel silly, since it turns out that free is a female name. I therefore offer my apologies to your cousin, student.

This recommendation however concerns me. is your cousin recommending me to barbers? I’d hate to have barbers visiting my site. I can’t stand them. Some people may wonder “”why the heck don’t you like barbers” well, I’ll tell you.

Ok, actually, I can’t tell you, because I took an oath of secrecy to never tell anybody about the secret bearslitters league. Oh dear, I appear to have done just  that. Nonetheless, suffice it to say that my great grand-father was murdered by a serial killer, who happened to be a barber. He would fire up his chainsaw and ask “how do you want your hair” and the client, who must have been deaf to not hear the loud chainsaw, would say “just a little off the top” and good ol’ Serial killer barber man would chainsaw his head right off. For some reason he went out of business, not sure why. I recall he started working at a tanning booth shop and suddenly the tanning booths would start locking shut, and nobody would notice because for some stupid reason the designers of said tanning booths decided to make them soundproof; they weren’t smellproof so when people started asking “what’s cooking?” and then you saw bits of tasty human fat drip down the side of the booth, and they’d open it up to see what could only be described as human jerky. To make matters worse it wasn’t even salted properly.

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