for the last little while, people with fewer brain cells then a Pygmy chimpanzee’s middle finger have been going on and on about how the “world will end in 2012”. Well, I have a little story for you all-
It’s set in the year 2098.
Archeologist (or, as they will be called then, digger men) will be using their dirt shovers (what we now call a shovel) and come upon a beige box.
Experts will be baffled! They released the following information on what they believe the object to be and what it was for.
Professor Jeffson has a theory- he believes that the object was used for storing, and retrieving personal data. the logo “IBM” was an insignia of a long dead religion that dedicated themselves to getting down to business with machines.
Professor Ytterby, on the other hand, has a different theory- he concludes that the device was used for predicting the lunar cycles of the moon, and by using the alphabetic input device, it could predict when people would die. Later, and to the amazement and grief of a large crowd, he powered on the machine and entered the following data at the prompt:
Current Date is Tue 01-01-80
Enter New Date: (mm-dd-yy):01-01-2100
What he didn’t realize was that what he would reveal with one keystroke was more then any man should ever know.
Current Date is Tue 01-01-80
Enter New Date: (mm-dd-yy):01-01-2100
Invalid Date
Enter New Date: (mm-dd-yy):
Invalid date?
The professor came to the only logical conclusion- the universe was going to end on the year 2100. The ancient Americans knew of this day, using their advanced vision boxes called “televisions” they were able to see into other people lives, and steal their thoughts. It was also believed that they referred to spoons as “face trowels” and would often purposely do something and loudly exclaim “did I DO THAT?” in a nasally whine that would make Cyndi Lauper blush.
This news spread like wildfire (literally, in fact, as the entire backbone of the internet will be based on the spread of wildfires) Threads such as the following:
Posted by NikolaBreastla(Newbie with 13 posts) at 3:04PM On Wednesday, November 26th 2098
No Way
I Don’t Believe It
NikolaBreastla: the famous Russian scientists we’d all know had he run a brothel
Posted by BoObRaT(Member with 140 posts) at 4:50PM in Wednesday, November 26th, 2098
I HAVE PROOF!
THEY ALSO FOUND A WATCH AT A MORMON BURIAL GROUND, IT WAS STOPPED ON 7/28/1973 AT EXACTLY 11:03:55 PM! YOU DUMS KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?
“If you get to second base and tell, your a boobrat” – Frank Sinatra IV
Posted by BASeChomper II(member with 400 posts) at 8:04PM On Wednesday, November 26th 2098
THEY ALSO FOUND A WATCH AT A MORMON BURIAL GROUND, IT WAS STOPPED ON 7/28/1973 AT EXACTLY 11:03:55 PM! YOU DUMS KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?
First: release caps lock. I’m sick of telling you over and over and over again to type normally. It doesn’t make you look smarter. Remember that thread where you argued that the shape was easier to read and I shot you down with 5 case studies by reputable organizations? yeah, that was sort of a hint that you don’t know what your talking about.
Any way- I think that could mean:
That they had really bad watches?
There really were no golden plates?
They were grave robbers?
Come on! Tell us.
My Grandfather was lacktoes intolerant. He couldn’t stand people with no toes.
Posted by BoObRaT(Member with 140 posts) at 9:12PM in Wednesday, November 26th, 2098
Sorry about the caps BC, I know, I remember that thread. I still think they’re easier to read though, regardless of what anybody says.
The watch stopped at the exact time equivalent to 01/01/2100 divided by the constant e Couldn’t it be more obvious?
“If you get to second base and tell, your a boobrat” – Frank Sinatra IV
Posted by BASeChomper II(member with 400 posts) at 9:14PM On Wednesday, November 26th 2098
The watch stopped at the exact time equivalent to 01/01/2100 divided by the constant e Couldn’t it be more obvious?
It could have been more obvious. You could have said that to begin with instead of trying to build up suspense. And you generally use caps to break the suspense, not build up to it. And I don’t care what you think of caps, it’s called “proper grammar” dumbass.
Anyway, the fact that the time stopped at that particular point it pretty circumstantial. That would be like saying that my great great aunt martha had 5 toes and ate meatloaf every Tuesday so she must have been a good square dancer. I’ll have you know she became a good square dancer through dogged training and a strong resolve, not simply by having the standard number of toes and eating meatloaf made from an unspecified animal.
My Grandfather was lacktoes intolerant. He couldn’t stand people with no toes.
Posted by NikolaBreastla(Newbie with 13 posts) at 11:04PM On Wednesday, November 26th 2098
Why the hell is it in all of my posts it’s ended up with that BC guy and the boobrat guy arguing about capital letters?
NikolaBreastla: the famous Russian scientists we’d all know had he run a brothel
Posted by VinylSiding(Moderator with 1305 posts) at 1:04AM On Thursday, November 27th 2098
Why the hell is it in all of my posts it’s ended up with that BC guy and the boobrat guy arguing about capital letters?
It’s a corrolary to Godwins law: all threads involving BC and BOobrat will devolve into a pointless flamewar about either use of capitalization or wether a mouse with a large boob is in fact a rat.
And trust me- It just goes downhill from there.
Anyway, in a mildly serious manner- I find it even more disturbing that devout Christians are even giving this a second thought. They were rather barbaric by modern standards, sacrificed virgins and car salesman, believed in multiple “spirits” (gods) and yet, despite their evident paganism and completely lack of “knowing the true path” (as a missionary might put it), most of them seem to think of it as somehow credible. Although, I suppose it’s perfectly possible they created a giant telescope and were able to see a large comet heading straight towards us, possibly by using a number of butler monkeys to love about the various mechanical bits they had…. actually, wait a moment, I don’t even think the mayans had the wheel.
This is almost understandable for catholics, since their church really is just a government- like the many other times the apocalypse was predicted and they told all their loyal followers “well, you may as well donate all your worldly possessions to the church” and so many people did… and then after when nothing happened, people would go back “oh, hey, err… I sorta need that stuff I donated back”, and the church would inevitably make up some excuse involving poncho size measurements. Actually, that gives me an idea. People! this is a great opportunity! Instead of responding to such claims that “the world is going to end”! get them to give you all their stuff.
Yes people, that is the new low we’ve all stooped to. Now we have people believing prophecies from an “advanced” civilization that couldn’t even figure out the wheel. I imagine it follows that they didn’t have gears either… And you can only throw so many butler monkeys at a problem before the shit hits the fan… pun not intended, of course, being that a fan would require understanding of at least some sort of rotary motion. Besides, most of their butler monkeys were probably building their goofy pyramids that they build for sacrifices as well as for housing their valuable collection of first-edition pokemon cards. It’s another little known fact that the reason they were rather frightened of the Spanish was not because of their muskets, but rather because of the shape of their ammo. you see, as I mentioned the wheel, and therefore any elliptical shape, was somewhat of an enigma to them. this is quit clear in that all their sculptures give faces square features (or maybe they really had square heads, I don’t know). for a while they fought bravely, but then they managed to capture a spanish car salesman (who was trying to sell them a Jetta). When investigating his sales-musket, they discovered, to their horror- spherical ammunition. Their best scientists immediately went to work by testing them. they discovered that they rolled easily, and therefore must originate from the dimension of the doomed (a dimension which was later featured in Quake). They responded in force by sacrificing a low financing rate for their Jetta in exchange for some information from the salesman, which proofed fruitless since nobody’s universal translator was working at the time.
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