Napoleon: The story of a person.

January 15, 2010 - Humour

or, have some cheese. cheese can solve almost anything. I mean, it could have prevented world war 2! really, I mean, germany was all feeling down because of that silly guilt clause, and had to pay reparations… but seriously… a few loafs of pumpernickel and some Butterkase would have done just fine! I mean, just send a few pallets of the stuff to the allied leaders and everything would be just fine.

Or, Has anybody wondered why the economy thrives on war efforts? huh? it’s not the making of bombs or ammo as everybody thinks, but rather the creation of fine cheeses for rations. Why, If I recall, D-day had to be pushed back a few days, since they couldn’t produce the needed amount of feta for the greek salad rations. There were some brave souls willing to go without the feta, but they were quickly hospitalized. (I mean, really, a greek salad without feta? That would be like a greek army leaving behind a wooden animal that wasn’t filled with soldiers, another point I’d like to take on in a moment).

I might also point out that lack of cheese was in fact what led to napoleon’s downfall at waterloo. you see, the french… they really like their butter. And back then, there was no margarine… wouldn’t be until ol’ Napoleon III’s time for that to happen. So, they ended up using all the milk they could get to create butter. They were literally running on the dog milk reserves by the end of each night. The cows up and quit, and as much as they loved butter they couldn’t stand the thought of yaks milk, since those things never shut up. By this time napoleon was pretty full of himself; convinced he could win.

So he made the fateful decision.

HE sent his troops into battle with nacho rations. and no cheese. This was a mistake that would mar his otherwise flawless campaign. Other theories about the battle, such as the fact that Napoleon really just wanted to climb the elm tree the duke of wellington was using as a command post, are easily dismissed; Napoleon was a short man and there was no way in hell he was going to be able to reach the branches to climb the tree; and there was no mention of napoleon having a stepladder, aside from the one he used to get the rice krispies off the top shelf, because josephine was a total prat and insisted on doing stuff like that, including that other time when she pretended to be pregnant, pretended to have a miscarriage, and then used a 3″ tall doll as proof.

He wrote in his memoirs a lot of stuff. Nothing about cheese. His autobiography, however, is a bit low on the fact scale. For example, he describes himself as a “tall, handsome man” when in fact he was a “short ugly git”. What nobody mentions is that Napoleon got all his miltary skills from playing Risk over and over, he figured that since he won every game, he can probably do it in real life, so he packed up his dice and started a campaign across italy.

Then, disaster struck. The airport mixed up his bags with that of a local Risk hussler, whose dice were weighted to always give snake eyes, or two ones. (the hussler would get his opponent(s) to use these dice, not himself, obviously). This caused quite a disastrous campaign as Napoleon set across italy to defeat all the famous Italian Risk players; Since he lost every single battle in every single game (except for the times he managed to get at least three infantry on one country, and attacked, then I suppose he’d have a chance with one dice, but even the best case scenario was him losing two infantry and his opponent losing one, which doesn’t exactly serve as a long term solution.

Thankfully for him, he was able to poison each of his opponents drinks, so they would all have terrible nipple itching. As they excused themselves (you couldn’t itch your nipples in public in those days) he would add vast swathes of armies to the board. allowing him to win the game. In an awkward twist of fate this was in fact how he met Marie Louisa, his second wife; he completely forgot about the effects of his concoction and believed her to be making passes at him.

Anyway, he met his final blow, which knocked him out of the tournament, from the Duke of Wellington, who, after eating a few pieces of his bread-wrapped beef (which we call ” beef wellington” today) he accidentally spilled some of his drink into napoleon’s white wine with perrier. This would spell disaster and at least a bit of remorse on the part of napoleon, who was completely unaware of just how unpleasant the condition can be. He lost the battle, but he won the war, so to speak. Wellington’s sister, (who’s nickname was “willingto’n” for obvious reasons that napoleon would discover first-hand) saw what appeared to be self-fondling. Anyway, one thing led to another, and they ended up starting their own marshmallow factory. Her brother was disappointed, as he had it all planned out that they would start a puffed sugar mass factory, not a marshmallow factory. He declared war on Napoleon, which, being the emperor of france, Napoleon took quite personally.

Thus mildly angered, he stormed out of the room like a 5-year old, only to return when he realized he forgot his risk board on the table. It took an entire 15 minutes for him to pack it up, since he kept throwing the little cannon things into the containers last, and when you do that, you know all sorts of the infantry are going to come flying out, so he had to look for them on the carpet, but he couldn’t find them, so he ended up having to take off his shoes and socks and walk across the carpet, (since, everybody knows you can only find pointy sharp things on the floor when your not wearing any socks or shoes). Unfortunately, to his great surprise he found this illegal and was taken into custody.

When he was finally released, he held a good amount of anger for the duke of wellington, and an equal amount for his sister, who he discovered was more then willingto’ imbezzle funds from the marshmallow factory. He went home, where he was reunited with his original baggage that he had left in his car, which had at least 35 tickets, so he then had to go to the
LFPPC, (Le Fran├žais ne peut pas conduire) to figure out what to do with his tickets. he was all “I’m the emperor, dammit” and the receptionist was all “And I’m santa claus” and he was all, “but santa clause is fat, and he’s a man- your a woman” which pretty much got him thrown out. so he put on a fake mustache and toupe, which covered his eyes. he then made romantic passes at what he believed to be the receptionist, only to remove his toupe to discover it was actually a nearby copy of McLarens, and a roomful of somewhat disgusted visitors staring at him. This was also where he learned the power of the nacho, as a nearby new-worlder asked him “eh, holmes, want a nacho?”to which, Napoleon eloquently replied:

“nous sommes en France ainsi pourquoi est tout le monde l’anglais parlant?”

Anyway, long story short, ol Napoleon had a bad day, and decided to get even. so he decided, what the hay! If I can’t win the Risk tournament, I’ll increase the stakes.

And the rest is history.

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