Over the years, many different games have been published. many different genres explored. People think games have gotten worse over the years, but really, that is simply not true. Parents are simply paying attention now, whereas before they kind of used the Nintendo as a baby-sitting tool (“dammit kids, go play your tendo, or whatever the flip you call that thing”…. “dad, that’s a VCR…”) now they are actually paying attention to what their kids play, the “violence” and “nudity” they expose them too. I of course put those in quotes because seeing red particles come out of a polygon hardly consists of violence to me. And I mean, really, they might have improved the whole modelling concept, but I’m afraid that my experience has taught me hard lessons that game characters often lack any sort of anatomical correctness. In the case of kirby I imagine this is really for the better, last thing we need is more confusion over what the hell he is. As he… it, whatever stands now, he’s a giant pink testicle that happens to be able to swallow and eat other enemies and absorb their powers. Sorry, did I say testicle? yeah, I meant balloon. Anyway, imagine him anatomically correct. little pink member flappin around as he flies through the air. he does littles spins with his hammer weapon and his little doodle slaps the enemy in the face… hmm, maybe it’s better the way it is.

Anyway, as I was saying, the worst offender for me has been The Zelda Series, breaking RULE after RULE. I mean, not even ten seconds into the game, and your encountered with this screen:

There are FAR too many rules being broken here. I mean, first, you don’t just barge into some old guys cave. you knock, I mean, for badger’s sake, what if he was naked or something. Secondly, you NEVER accept wood from some old guy. It never turns out well. And Lastly, WTF are the flames here? are we encouraging children to light balls of fire in their bedrooms? NO, this is NOT SUITABLE for children. they are far too damn impressionable, they might start walking around talking to people in badly translated two line broken english, like “give me the tomato for the old man” or “sign permission slip for go on field trip” or something stupid like that. NO! not right at ALL.

And then we have the old man on the mountaintop. I was too lazy to go that far into the game, but basically he gives you a little parchment and says “give this to the old woman”. There is no statement of what is ON the paper, and most people might assume it’s a recipe or some shit. But no, I’m almost certain it’s a picture of somebody nekkid. it always is. Sure, there are little lines on the side of the parchment implying text, but those are just stink lines from the actual subject. And His vague suggestion “the old woman” Like, for the love of scented candles woman, there are like 10 or 20 old men living in caves in this god forsaken shit-hole of hyrule, which cat-snuffing old man do you want me to give it too? Oh, wait, let me guess you old liver-spot ridden old dustbag, it’s the one wearing red. well they all wear red, god damn it.

And then you go into a cave and the bastards are all, “I’ll take 10 rupees for the door repair” and it’s like, WTF, that wasn’t a door, it was a god damn cliff wall, you smelly old weirdo, I’m LOOKING FOR TREASURE. If you don’t have treasure, just tell me you don’t. What the assweasel do you want 10 rupees for, I mean, for the love of all marsupials, you poke the god damn roof and the rocks tumble back down, there, and your door is repaired, you miserly old coot.

And those damn moblins in the caves, all “It’s a secret to everybody”, stop telling me to shush and get the hell outside and start shooting arrows out your belly like the rest of your kind, you lazy bastard. Get a god damn job. Bloody moblins, always “oh, it’s a secret, here, have some rupees” Like, god dammit moblin, I know these rupees are either from drug money or from your pimping, But I’ll be damned if I’m going to refuse rupees.

And then we have the graveyard. here, you touch a gravestone, and a ghost appears. How many young, impressionable children do you think saw this and went to a graveyard and tried to summon ghosts? A bloody lot of the little buggers, that’s how many, And you can be damn sure at least 14 of the little pukes became zombies, It’s mathematically proven via a number of statistical models that kids+graveyard =… well, actually, nobody really knows what it equals, but it sure as hell cannot equal chocolate cake, if that’s what your thinking.

If your thinking that only the first zelda is an offender, well, you’d be wrong.

What do you see wrong with this picture? Looks innocent enough. BUT! It’s important to realize that people, and fire dragons, lock their god damn doors for a reason. What if you were to catch them nekkid or something? huh? I mean, for god’s sake, don’t bosses get a little god damn privacy? anybody ever think, “shit, you know, maybe these bosses really just want to be left alone” they evidently don’t WANT to fight you, or there would be a huge sign and the door wouldn’t be locked and the key hidden in an ornate treasure chest halfway across the dungeon.

And half the time, the boss doesn’t even really do anything to provoke you- you just, for example, start smashing them in the head with a bloody sledgehammer. does THIS give a good impression to kids? Smash things with a sledgehammer first, ask questions later. NO! they are too impressionable!

As you can see above- the dragon may LOOK fearsome, but you can see that look in his eye- you know, the one that says, “where the flip are my god damn SMOKES! who took my smokes! I don’t need a freakin lighter, my hair is made of fire for Possum’s sake, but if I don’t get my smokes I’m gonna get really tempermental” you really think smashing it’s face with a sledgehammer will make it feel any better? I mean, he just quit cold turkey, have you ANY idea what that’s like? just look at the poor guy. He has the look of somebody who just quit smoking, finished there coffee, and now REALLY wants a cigarette, but can’t have one. a look of pure helplessness. and we are just supposed to smash the c-button and smush his face with a hammer? No, actually we’re supposed to do that then cut up his face with a sword, too.

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