17 Apr 2012 @ 4:31 PM 

A completely random rant…

Here’s another thing that pisses me off. You complain about something- maybe it was a poor mannered UPS delivery person, a bad eBay experience (like say it randomly changes languages) or how your car won’t start, or your coffee maker is broken, etc.

Time, and TIME AGAIN I hear people classify these as “First world problems”. It’s not even really a proper response. It’s not even something that falls in that category. a “First world problem” might be something like a hangnail or some shit, or some teenage girl complaining about their like “OMG my nail is like, lopsided” but when you have legitimate issues that the peers in your immediate vicinity aren’t facing, trying to broaden the scope and basically say “well, sorry buddy, I know that your car won’t start so you have to walk 3 hours t owork, but that doesn’t matter because some poor sod in Africa lost his leg to a land mine” or some other shit. Yes, it sucks in third world countries. But here’s the thing- that is why they are called [i]fucking third world countries[/i]. And the thing is, that there are a number of rich folks- the government bureaucrats- in those countries that have plenty of what could be called “first-world” problems, so the statement isn’t even legitimate. Imagine if companies decided this. Your phone service, after three weeks, still hasn’t been hooked up, so you call them. They tell you that is a first-world problem. Great. That still doesn’t address the fucking issue. eBay, or another site, randomly changes it’s language on you in the middle of a purchase. You complain on facebook, or whatever. Some other dick says “first world problems?”. yeah, that’s for that, asshole. How about instead of making unhelpful changes to scope you actually say something constructive. I mean- you could say that for damn near anything in the First world. That is why it’s called a “First world problem” but the thing is that people say it in a derogatory manner- as if to say “your problem is insigificant because a lot of people in the world are suffering more” but that isn’t the case. And the fact is that the very same people making these “accusations” are in fact doing so through first-world communication methods- such as comments on a social networking site, or blog, or what-have-you. So I wonder who is more objective- the person who is basing their opinions and complaints on first-hand experience, or the person who is colouring all their responses and thoughts with some ridiculous overtone to “worry about the third world” because they saw some touching second-hand documentary on National Geographic. I haven’t been in the third world, all I know about it is that it sucks terribly.

Thing is, that we cannot really solve the “problem” of the third world; it is a huge conglomeration that has appeared over the years due to varying socio-economic pressures in the region as well as problems of unstable governments, and most importantly the fact that they don’t really have anything there. It’s a fucking desert, pretty much. Suddenly, the fact that they have problems getting fresh water and food makes more sense. It’s because they are in the fucking desert. Of course most of them would have trouble leaving that desert, but that doesn’t change that simple fact. And more importantly any relief aid would be temporary, because the realy solution is to get the fuck out of the desert. Anyway, I’ve rambled somewhat. Not all developing countries are in a desert- some just have corrupt governments. But I think a more relevant question to ask is- can a single person fix all the corrupted governments, turn a desert into a rainforest, and solve all those problems?

No. Of course not. That makes the scope change of suggesting otherwise pretty damned petty, doesn’t it. It’s like saying “I have nothing constructive to add to your complain about eBay, so I will instead make an idiotic gesture and extend the scope of your problem to make it seem insignificant”. Well no flipping duh it would seem insignificant. hell in the context of the galaxy Earth is pretty damned insigificant, but you don’t see everybody pulling that reasoning out of their ass. “Hello, I notice that even though I paid the bill, you’ve charged me a late fee” “Well you know what Mister, in the grand scheme of things Earth isn’t relevant”. It’s a cop out no matter who says it.

It’s like that bullshit thing that parents always say when their kids say they are full “well there are kids starving in Africa” or something similar. Well guess what- that kid is not the one you are talking to. If you care so god-damned much about the kids starving in Africa, why the hell aren’t you donating time or money to help them? Instead you bring it up when your own kid won’t finish their food, which raises the other issue that we all wonder why kids (in the first-world) are becoming fatter on average, I wonder if maybe it’s related to parents forcing their kids to eat more when they are full?

Posted By: BC_Programming
Last Edit: 17 Apr 2012 @ 04:31 PM

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Categories: idiots
 27 Feb 2011 @ 9:06 AM 

Whenever a new “discovery” is made of an ancient device like this one, it sparks debates about wether such a device is or is not a computer; in this case, by the commenters.

First, It’s important to note that the people discovering and working with these devices are Scientists they know damn well what they are talking about. There are far to many bloody armchair scientists who have this egocentricity that makes them feel like they are qualified to veto the findings and declarations made by the people working with this device hands-on for months and years based entirely on a short demonstration and explanation of how the device works. The people studying these types of discoveries are not homeless, educationless retards from the street; they are well-educated scientists who specialize in exactly that field, they know what they are doing.

The problems arise- well, at it’s core the reason is because so many people are egotistical morons – but also it’s because those ego-tistical morons don’t realize that “Computer” is a general-purpose term. Today, in common vernacular it generally means a desktop or laptop PC; based on this many people somehow feel that things like that described in the video are not really computers. In the comments there, there was even a debate about whether an abacus was a computer.

Of course it is. The person making that statement is clearly an uneducated troll. A Calculator is a computer; most people recognize that. But, a Computer does not need to actually perform any tasks on their own; a bunch of rocks are a computer just as much as our own fingers can be for counting or small objects. There is no requirement that a “computer” actually do the computing; in the case of us using our fingers we are using them more for “storage” then for actual calculation. But it still counts; a Computer explicitly means any device or devices designed to assist in the act of computation. So nearly anything can be called a computer. Of course whether something is technically a computer or not is a different story then that of whether people will understand what you mean when you say it; no doubt you would encounter any number of idiots who will argue your statements, much in the same way that there always seems to be a person in the room who has no idea what the difference between imply and infer are.

Posted By: BC_Programming
Last Edit: 27 Feb 2011 @ 09:07 AM

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Categories: General Computing, idiots
 15 Sep 2010 @ 3:25 PM 

We often hear marketing speak, and management speak- usually it’s just a bunch of meaningless words. Sometimes this type of stuff can be used to great effect- I am fairly certain I have used similar meaningless phrases or extreme redundancies before as well.

In my travels, I stumbled upon this a blog post that managed to escalate this to a fine art.

This is a bloody classic example of Management speak. For example:

For us it starts with a Vision, followed by a framework of Commitments.

a “framework” of commitments? WTF is that? Is there something wrong with saying a SET of commitments, you know, like any other sane bloody person? Commitments don’t rely on each other, like pylons or rafter or any other framework, or classes in a class framework. It’s just a meaningless word that is entirely redundant here.

the he tells us their Vision:

Showcase world class operational and development solutions which facilitate customer/partner success; enabling their businesses to achieve strategic initiatives & execute against customer commitments.

dry. Boring. Lacks insight. He may as well have said “Our vision: Do stuff”. I would have been no less enthralled. At least then the grammar would make sense. “achieve strategic initiatives & execute against customer commitments.”… Yet another WTF right there… why would you want to work AGAINST your customer commitments. Jesus, this guy can’t even get management speak right. luckily nobody reads it. I just thought it was hilarious. I shall continue. I’ll be skipping some parts which are horrendously filled with comprehensive difficulties and ambiguous language.

Broad Reach Execution Plan: Develop learning experiences as productized material able to be shipped through channels such as TechNet, MSDN, Conferences, Communities and Marketing.

for the sake of FUCK. just say “develop materials able to be shipped…” you don’t need all that excessive, meaningless, and FUCKING REDUNDANT garbage. “productized material”? What the hell does that even mean? Nothing.

Critical Customer Engagements: Alignment with Microsoft field representative & product management; enabling our operational experiences to be shared in 1-on-1 customized customer engagement formats.

“alignment with…” what the hell does that even mean? are we suddenly talking about getting our tires aligned? No, apparently they plan to align themselves with their field representatives & product management. Of course they could have used a far better term like “work with” but fuck, that doesn’t have the managey smell to it, does it? And it makes sense. “Alignment with”… what the hell? So if your product managers are satanic visionaries you’ll fall into line? STOP WITH THE OVER ambiguous and yet simultaneously redundant crap!

Employee Development: Training & Career discussions with personalized plan established

What, so now he’s so powerful and mighty being high up in microsoft that he cannot even use periods? he just SHIT all over the english language here, and we’re supposed to sit by and take it? “HAHA I IZ POWERFUL!” he wields his pen loosely, and keeps a tight seal on his source of writing power: *nasally nerd voice* my technique *snort* is to take my sentence, and for every word I look it up in a thesaurus and replace it with the longest word *snort*.

For example:

I cannot seem to find the red ball.


The productized inventory management of red coloured spheres is not discoverable.

instant management speak! Of course, nobody has a clue what the fuck you are saying, but hey, welcome to bear town, or something.

acknowledging change opportunities as a lever to realign people and team functions/accountabilities to effectively meet the demands of business while simultaneously developing new opportunities for continued employee development.

yet more about alignment. If I didn’t know any better I would expect an advertisement for me to go get an oil change as well. But it’s not just a standard realignment, you see, since they are using opportunities as a lever. Damn these people are really doing something good. “Hey kids! why don’t you go play on the seesaw?” “we can’t, there aren’t any seesaws” “DONT WORRY! we’ll just use your prospective happiness as a lever and play on that like a seesaw! WOOPAH! MIDGET BEARS!”

The heart and soul of accomplishing the Vision & Commitments is that of our people development, cross group collaboration & partnership, and organizational agility.

wait a minute, theres a 2 to 1 ratio here, he’s saying that heart and soul are 4 things. DAMN HIM! damn his ability to modify the rules of arithmetic to persue his demonic management-like whims! CURSE his organizational agility! I’ve only been able to come up with kinetic organizational agility myself.

We continually stress the importance of transparency from the top down

Yep glass manufacturing generally finds that to be rather important. What? you don’t make glass? what the hell are you talking about then?

And NOW! the obligatory nonsense that people come here for:

This all reminds me of my fictitious Aunt flo’s equally fictitious brain tumour. I had to take her to a doctor, but they refused to see her because she was fictitious. Discrimination, obviously. So I had to take her to a fictitious doctor, her performed a number of fictitious tests. Then I realized I was late for a basketball game and I was on point, so I ran outside and jumped into my aunts fictitious car and drove there. I was just in time, but then I realized that I didn’t play basketball, and was in fact remembering a scene from a movie. Ahh, I said, stopping and enjoying the memory. That was a retarded movie. So I then ran back to the fictitious doctors office. I was just in time for him to give my fictitious aunt a fictitious bill of health, whatever that means, he demanded payment, so I gave him some monopoly money, based on the fact that it is fictitious currency. Of course, being a conjuration of my own mind mixed with the various ridiculously inaccurate and stereotypical hospital dramas I’ve seen, this didn’t go over so well.

At this point I became aware of the fact that a stout fat woman was hiding in my cupboards, so I jumped up and grabbed my flying possum suit, ran across the field, and extended my arms, I then jumped and started to quiver my tail slightly, and to everybody’s amazement, I flew! I flew all the way home, bent on getting there before that stout fat woman in my cupboards started to eat my pie filling. Upon arriving I was greeted by a german bartender, who allowed me inside. He then made me a martini and started to discuss the ails of society. I then realized that he wasn’t a bartender at all, since bartenders listen, but rather a cab driver! I was enraged, so I went to stuff him in the cupboard. It was there that I met the stout fat woman, and I fell in love. She was like a half-midget, half barrel, but all woman, which made a good 2 wholes put together. Soon we were married and life was swell, because I still had my pie filling. She kept her job in the toast factory and I found myself a job as a zombie version of Joey on the latest Friends spinoff, “Friends AD (after death)”.

However, not all was swell in happy land. After the birth of our first daughter, Barrella, who was as stout as her mother, I encountered a wild gecko in the woods behind our house. It called out my name, well not really, it called me Steve for some reason, but I was still impressed, being that it was talking and all. He asked me to give him a hug, not seeing the harm in hugging a small gecko, despite it’s obvious strangeness, I obliged. I was taken aback and hurt when he tried to steal my wallet, however. He confessed and gave me my wallet back, and told me a story.

This gecko was, of course, no ordinary gecko. Not only could he speak, but he also had the ability to burn recordable CD’s with his eyes. During the rise of WORM drives, he was rather popular, burning the latest Madonna singles for his retarded newt friends across the road.

However, something purely unexpected occured. DVD started to exist. He knew that his time of burning CD-R disks with his special laser vision ability were soon to be over, so he resigned voluntarily. He managed to get a job as a superhero, but they never called him into action, as his primary ability was pretty much being able to rewrite CD-RWs. Superman asked for his help once with burning a mix CD for wonder woman, but he never did find out if it worked, since after that everytime superman entered the room Wonder woman made herself invisible. (she can do that, I think). Soon it was suggested that Disc-Gecko, as they had come to call him, might find a better use for hims powers somewhere else. This was suggested by Jughead, the “Archie” character, who was also on the superhero panel because of his ability to eat a lot, (they were desperate at the time, Potato man, a French guy who was imbibed with the mystical power of the potato was also allowed to join at this time. He went red with rage, and used his laser vision to turn off the lights. In the panic, Super Knife man started to cut things at random, and deep-fryer man started to sizzle.

Soon it was realized what happened. Potato man had been sliced by Super Knife man and had fallen into deep fryer mans… deep fryer. The other members were outraged, Even wonder woman was angry about it, at least until Superman glanced her way, then she became invisible again.

Anyway, so me and the gecko became good friends. He told me once about his fictitious Aunt Martha, and I was all like, “woah, I have a fictitious Aunt Martha” So we were fictitiously related! It totally changed things between us. Well not really, but that’s sort of what you would expect me to say. Anyways, at some point we went to a party, and as I was getting a drink from a keg it started to berate me. To my surprise, it was my daughter, Barrella. She said that their uncle, Herman the Goat, was in the hospital because he was attacked by a time travelling Nazi.

I shook my fist in the air, “DAMN YOU TIME TRAVELLING NAZIS!” and went back to the old house with her. The stout fat woman I married earlier and had been with for 6 years, whose name I can never remember (I want to say “Stevie” or “Shawna” or something) was somewhat distraught, and showed me a number of their family pictures with their uncle Herman. Turns out that he wasn’t actually a goat, but was half-Goat, half human, clearly from some adventures of their father in the barnyard. As a result, he enjoyed Canasta as much as he liked garbage.

When we got to the hospital, we found he was missing. However, there was still a time portal that the Nazis (I presumed) had taken him through, so I followed, despite the fact that I hadn’t even met this Herman fellow. It wasn’t really an act of caring or compassion, I mean, if you saw pictures of a half-goat half man, and you had a chance to meet one, would you pass up the opportunity? Hell no. So I fell through time. Which was rather badly decorated. Awful lot of plaid in the vortex. I emerged 10 minutes earlier, exactly 5 minutes before the nazis came through the portal. I hid behind the life monitor thingy (the thing that keeps him alive, whatever the fuck it’s called, I want to say “Shawna”?). Soon, the time travelling Nazis came through. I stood up, and froze when I realized that they had guns. DAMN! of course they had guns, they’re Nazis.

So there I was, a guy wearing a possum suit and trying to protect a half-human half goat mutant offspring of a sick perverted man, and having a bunch of time travelling nazis pointing a gun at me. Typical god damned afternoon. Thankfully, just then, I walked in. (the previous version of me) and saw what was going on. he saw the time travelling nazis and went red with rage, ripping the life monitor from the freakish goat mutant and throwing it at the nazis, which sent them back to hell where they belong (it probably sent them to yesterday, but same difference). Just as the nurses came in on account of the code blue and pronounced Uncle Herman dead, the same time travelling nazis came out of the closet and created yet another rip in space time. “God dammit!” I said, “If the fabric of space time is being used for a pair of jeans somewhere it’s full of god damned holes!”. The nazi’s ran into the portal, I followed, and found myself in the exact same spot 10 minutes previously, when the Nazis were aiming the gun at me before. Coming from behind I was able to steal both nazi’s wallets, immediately after which I knocked both their heads together, which quite unlike one would expect from television didn’t really knock them out at all. So I grabbed them both and tossed them back into the time vortex. Uncle herman was glad I was baabaabaack. Just then, I walked in, and all three of us were quite confused, being that in general there is only one of a single person. We started theorizing on the best way to take advantage of this. Then my good friend, the laser-eyed gecko, suggested that none of this makes any sense, why is it that there are three of you, if I had gone back in time, first, and then you stopped yourself from going back in time, how would you have gone back in time in the first place?

“If I’ve learned anything from Star Trek” I said, “It’s that all aliens are large breasted and easily swayed by toupe wearing american actors.”.

“That has nothing to do with what I just said ” he responded.

“perhaps not. But have you considered Gravy”?

And so we all had a good laugh and a delicious turkey dinner. The End.

Posted By: BC_Programming
Last Edit: 16 Sep 2010 @ 09:14 PM

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 02 Sep 2010 @ 11:02 PM 


The word means something completely different today then it did 14 years ago. One can only guess that it started with some insipid journalist who had the shorthand skills of a gnat trying to wrap their barely lucid brains around concepts being described by a computer geek. Somehow they misquoted “cracker” to mean “hacker”, or, in the more likely case, they weren’t paying attention and they made it all up themselves.

of course, for some reason, everybody who didn’t know better latched into it like a barnacle onto a whale, and suddenly all the various news outlets were reporting “computer news” and using terrible metaphors to describe new technologies.

That is one complete media blow-up and misstatement of definitions that riles me quite a lot. I mean, when somebody dabbles in carpentry, they might “hack” together a cupboard. That’s EXACTLY what the word hack means, regardless of the context- a person who dabbles in programming might hack together a small program. It has nothing to do with what people seem to think it means, which would be breaking into other peoples PCs When did that definition come about? Burglars don’t “hack” into your house, they either pick the lock or use an open window or door. In the same vein, a person wouldn’t “hack” into a computer system, they would either crack the lock (password) or use an open door (vulnerability). Somehow, “hack” has now come up into the entirely new and unrelated definition that used to be “cracking”.

That being said, almost ANYTHING in the media even remotely related to computers is completely ridiculous, and they use so many literal devices that half the time any useful information is buried so deep in metaphor you may as well forget about it.

If you want to use similes and metaphors and synedoche and metonymy with reckless abandon, write a fucking poem. “a file is like a document on your desk” No, a file is like a fucking stream of bytes on a disk. a disk is nothing like a desk, the former is round and coated in magnetic material and data is stored by changing the orientation of magnetic particles whereas the latter is only good for screwing the secretary.

Posted By: BC_Programming
Last Edit: 02 Sep 2010 @ 11:12 PM

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 21 Jul 2010 @ 5:50 AM 

recently, I stumbled upon a ridiculous thread regarding system requirements for “Counter-strike: Source”. Well, I wouldn’t say stumbled, it was actually linked in a TheDailyWTF thread.

the Poster claims that it’s “Unfair” that they can no longer play the game using a system that fits the specifications of the original “boxed” copy.

They go so far as to claim that valve did this intentionally in order to force people to upgrade, which seems clearly ridiculous since upgrading doesn’t help them at all. Most of the people in the discussion (which, for reference, can be found here) have clearly acquired their entire understanding of the justice system and law on episodes of Law & Order, which, I’m sorry to say, wouldn’t help them pass their Bar exam. They have an equally deficient understand of anything remotely programming related.

They claim that Valve did this on purpose. First, Why? What do they have to gain? Sure, they did it on purpose, but I suspect the reason is that the API is almost completely different between all of DX7, DX8, and DX9, and they assumed that somebody who played a game as fad-inspired as Counter-strike would no longer be using a 11 year old video card.

From where I stand it sounds like a bunch of teenagers complaining about how they can no longer “pwn noobs” because their ATI Rage Pro is no longer fully supported. The cries to upgrade fall on deaf ears, because the have no jobs and rely entirely on their allowance to get anything at all. This is further proven by the fact that the complainant claims to actually understand anything about Law. Nobody understands anything about law. Nobody. Even lawyers simply pretend to understand. All “law” is apparently based on precedent (according to the law expert that is this particular CSS player, an oxymoronic statement I would rather not repeat) so it makes me wonder why they bother to write up all these other things. They quote a legal link as it it matters, with absolutely zero inference to the fact that A:) the product on their “box” is NOT the same product they have on their PC.

They are absolutely free to install the game form their original disks, and refuse all updates. They won’t be able to play online, but that restriction is clearly NOT COVERED by the law. So they can shove their links right back up their ass where they pulled them from.

This is one of the things that pisses me off. people pretending they know what they talk about when they are merely pulling arguments out of their ass or even out of thin air, and basing their entire stance on the subject on pure assumption. It really pisses off those of us who do know what we are talking about (hahaha)

I mean, for Possum’s sake, these people play COUNTER-STRIKE, and at the same time claim to have some sort of depper understanding of Legal issues. What a bunch of dumbasses. Hardly anybody who has an IQ higher then about 60 plays Counter strike, and those that do at least understand the basic premise that a software update changes the software in question and different software will have different requirements. Bitching and complaining because your 10 year old PC can no longer run a fully updated copy of a game you bought 9 years ago is like complaining to microsoft because the changed software scene has essentially antiquiated the minimum requirements they specified for nearly all their Operating Systems. When they were released they were minimum, and recommended, and they fit the description, but as software grew larger and adapted to the various changes the requirements became meaningless. Do we sue Microsoft because we can no longer run XP comfortably with 64MB of RAM? No, of course not. XP SP3 changed XP but the biggest factor is the different software being used.

And their constant cries “IT’S EEZEE TO FIX LOL ROXOR I GONNA {PLAY COUNTOR STRIKWERH NOW DUHG” clearly indicates they have no idea what they are talking about. First, unless they have actually seen the source code, what needs to be changed, the regression testing that will need to be performed, the layout of involved data structures, and so forth, they cannot make a claim that “it’s easy” and since they clearly have not seen any of that they are basing their claim entirely on their observation of what that code does, which is no indication of the complexity of the code itself. Besides, they couldn’t understand the code anyway, but like most teenagers they like to think they do, despite their absolutely lack of the proper cognitive processes to do so. (most of the appropriate brain cells died in a mass suicide while they played Counter-strike)

Posted By: BC_Programming
Last Edit: 21 Jul 2010 @ 05:59 AM

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