28 Oct 2011 @ 6:32 PM 

Everybody knows war is hell. That hardly needs any introduction.

However, not many people are aware of a certain intergalactic struggle that earth recently recovered from. This war was against an alien race known as the… well, actually, nobody really asked their names. They were all “hey, earth, we’re on your turf killin your doods” and we were all “hey” and stuff. Anyway we didn’t really know what they were called.

So at any rate, Earth deployed an elite squad- well, actually, they deployed a single ship, code-named Zanac.

Now one wonders- “why just one ship?”

well, back in those days they had a “sprite limit” see, nobody could see more then about 8 (maybe it was 11, I forget) moving objects on at once. Zanac was a experimental machine that allowed the pilot to perceive more then 8 objects at once using a method known as image compositing. The Zanac ship pilot explains:

“It was a philosophical question, back in those days- nobody was even sure if the human mind or visual cortex could handle more then 8 objects in their view at once without instantly exploding, or at least without frame lag. This was rather troublesome for mormons, since they had lots of wives and kids and generally had very oversized families, it made getting family photos rather difficult, with the photographer having the wear an anti-sprite-limit suit and all. So anyway, in the war against these new alien oppressors, we deployed the ship, code-named “Zanac” that included a sprite-capacitor that absorbed sprite information and fed it to the user in smaller, more managable chunks. The first few test runs were pretty promising, excepting of course the pilots heads exploding and making quite a mess out of the ships upholstery. But we didn’t have time quite to finish the tech, we needed to fight the aliens. I do recall my cousin bob making a note in his logbook at the time, about how well his beans were growing in his garden, and I think I said something to the effect of “It’s cold outside” or something, to which he remarke…

Me:You were talking about the Zanac war, and why you only deployed a single ship at a time.

Pilot:Oh yes, I do apologize- so anyways, they sent me on this mission to infiltrate the Alien federation and destroy it- or something. The actual mission was sort of vague, in fact I believe it may have been a yorkshire pudding recipe jotted down on a napkin. In any case, I had no idea what I was in for, in fact at the time I did believe there was going to be a fleet of ships. However, I wasn’t aware of the newest feature they had installed on the ships. See, although the ships’ sprite capacitors could absorb sprites and allow the viewer to see them in more managable chunks, there was a sort of force feedback with any nearby disturbances in the sprite continuum, so there could only feasibly be a single ship in operation at once. When I first heard the news of this, I was rather heartbroken- I couldn’t drink milk for a good week after that.

So they sent me on my mission, Which was pretty crazy right from the start.

Me:How do you mean?

Pilot:Well, when I started this weird triangely thing swooped towards me, so I figured I’d shoot it, it being an alien vessel and all.

Me: And?

Pilot: Well it turned into a giant fucking smiley face! I mean, what the hell was going on? I mean, it was the 70’s but a giant smiley face? people, come on!

Me: Actually, we have to satellite footage of this smiley face- refer to “Exhibit Q”.

Pilot: So, there I am, in this state of the art machine, fighting a god damned giant smiley weird face. So I decide- well, I may as well shoot it right- I shoot it. And nothing happens!

Me: And this was hardly weak weaponry, I take it?

Pilot: it was state of the art- well, truly speaking it still needed me to find weird blue boxes and grab yellow spheres from inside them for whatever reaso…

Me: wait, what? How does that make sense? you grab yellow spheres from blue boxes, supposedly owned by the aliens, to power up your weapons? Why not just attach a god damned nuclear warhead and just kill them all at once.

Pilot: Ahh, the sprite limit is why. See, if you tried to use a nuclear device in those days, you’d end up spawning too many explosion sprites and cause lag fallout that wouldn’t really do that much damage.

Me: Ok, so you shot the smiley face-

Pilot: I had to shoot it several times- and you know what happened? the damn thing turned orange/red. Like it was teasing me, saying “yep, you hit me, but I’m invincible”

Me: and what weapon were you using for this?

Pilot: for that I was using the blue circlely thing attachment, the silly string main weapon was pretty useless, it went right through them. So then I decided that I was done for, and set a kamikaze course into the smiley face, intent on wiping that god damned smirk off their face- and you know what happened? moment I touched him, he dissapeared!

Me: you’re saying he? How do you know?

Pilot: I was pointed straight up between his legs, He was like a bloody smurf… well, until he turned red, then he was a red smurf. Anyway, so there I am- dumbfounded. Already sure I had seen the strangest thing ever- but then I saw the aliens secret weapon coming right towards me- two concentric circles! It was awful, the pure horror of it all is indescribable.

Me: I can imagine.

Pilot: So there I was, ducking and dodging… shooting my silly string… and then I see an odd glass thing coming up on the horizon- so I naturally try to shoot over top of it at an enemy. And the damned shot hits the glass thing even though it was about a million feet above it in the air. Quite odd. So I continued shooting, and eventually this strange transparent number appeared. So, I of course grabbed it.

me: Wait, why the of course?

Pilot: Well, I’m not sure, it just looked inviting. I mean, can you think of a single time where a number in a square looks dangerous to you? I sure can’t. I can think of times that twigs looked rather menacing from the distance due to the way the light and shadow plays with them, and how our perceptions cause us to recognize patterns and objects that aren’t necessarily there.

Me: ok, well, carry on

Pilot: So there I am, I grab this number thing- and nothing happens.

Me: Were you expecting something to happen?

Pilot: Well, yeah, I guess so.

Me: OK, carry on

Pilot: so, anyway, I keep fighting, and I go to use my blue swirly thing attachment, and it is all purple and fuzzy and downright weird looking.

Me: oh, so something did happen.

Pilot: Yes, most importantly, it cut through everything like a sharp knife through goat entrails.

Me: Sounds useful.

Pilot: Hell yeah it was useful, in a world with giant blue circular smurfs, you need all the help you can get.

Posted By: BC_Programming
Last Edit: 28 Oct 2011 @ 06:32 PM

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Categories: Games, Humour
 07 Jan 2011 @ 4:31 AM 

Ok, now, to be fair, it was an OK show for the first while. Up until about the time they decided they needed all sorts of different cities where everybody happens to fit into a perfect role whereby each freaking story from nearly any other of the shows could simply be transplanted to another with names changed and nobody would be the wiser. Add to that the overly flashy effects like they just found the freaking effects toolbar in Adobe Premiere, and their insipid understanding of basic computer forensics (which is practically what the god-damned show is about) and you’ve got a recipe for WTF.

For example:


It’s just… WHERE TO BEGIN. When the hell did “this is real-time” translate into “creating a GUI interface” what the hell does the GUI have to do with it? or IPs? And what the hell, I would have never guess ANY of their machines ran Windows, they sure don’t look it. Why are the interfaces shown all god damned flashy and everything is green and when it searches for a suspect is always shows every single one it’s looking through, which increases the time it takes to do the search by a bajillion times, and of course with every one the interface draws all sorts of random gibberish that point out, say various bits of fingerprints, wether it’s authentic or not (as in wether those are key points to compare) is irrelevant, since the computer doesn’t need to draw the bloody thing to compare things. I mean, it’s neat in a “well at least they tried” sort of way, or it would be, if they tried. I mean, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen some of their “fancy interfaces” that use some sort of weird garbely background. I swear there was one where the background was just a bunch of freaking 1’s and zeros. as if to say “hey, look, I’m a COMPUTER! see! ONES AND ZEROS! HAHA!”

Or that whole magical interface where they can enhance damn well anything… it’s “digital” right, that means it recorded everything, like some sort of star trek holotape or something. Which gives us examples like this

First, notice that at around 21 seconds they have decided to stop focussing on images and decided it was time to fire up Fruity Loops’ studio. What particular task music composition software could have in a investigators arsenal leaves me stymied.

And then…
And then this is the good bit
They MAGNIFY the REFLECTION off of the girls eye. I mean, seriously, were the writers on some sort of dopamine where every idea felt like a warm fluffy pillow of sanity when it was really a giant pile of nonsense spewed from a eternal geyser of improbability? particularly improbable would be doing this “enhancement” with Microsoft Word.

I’m friggin serious. The menubar says File,Edit,View,Format, Tools,Table,Help:

Warranted, it’s a bit hard to see it due to the low resolution, but I mean- compare it to this one- from my installed version of word. The toolbars are in a different place and I’ve customized some buttons, but damn near everything in their shot is present:

I mean… wow. Just look at it. It’s hard to consider that the toolbar ISN’T WORD, and considering the menu bar is most definitely word, even looking through the youtube drunk-o-vision of blurriness it’s hard to come up with alternate menu names that aren’t nonsense.

The nail in the coffin is the upper-right corner. When I first tried to read that bit of text, I thought maybe it said “I hear pokemon in fridges” which seemed a bit non-sequiter even for CSI, but It almost certainly is a bit from that  “Type here for help” widget that I have. Now, warranted, the toolbars are in a different configuration, but almost every button on there is a word menu. not counting the suspiciously covered up area on the left (what the hell? is that the TITLE BAR FROM A CHILD WINDOW leaving the client area of the MDI parent, I mean, grandma and grandpa are going to fall for this, and maybe the average person, but most people with a basic knowledge of computers will be able to take a second look and go “hey, wait a minute” which may be why they only show it for less then 2 seconds. Not counting that weirdly placed gradient title-bar mutant thing, we’ve got what appears to be a bunch of blank space… with splotches. It’s like somebody couldn’t be bothered to photoshop that part of the picture so they just tried to cover it up with a horseblanket that was cleaned with bleach and the parts where the bleach actually touched the fabric were splotchy and all that. The first two distinguishable buttons here are the… blue square and the purplish blue square. I get the feeling those might be the foreground and background color dropdowns that word has, with weird colours because they just cranked up the blue colour on everything and then cranked the saturation up to eleven. Protip: making a scene or interface cool does not mean using “cool” colours. The people that made that decision would try to make schools cooler by installing “cool blue” lights everywhere, completely misunderstanding the fact that it’s not really a literal concept. After that there is clearly the zoom dropdown, a weird deformed midget crapping on a shuffleboard court (although I think that may actually be my imagination making clever icons from the splotches there) then you have Bold, Italic, and Underline. Because I guess those appear in graphic editors (they do, but generally only when text is on the screen) then you have the font drop down, and the paragraph settings, which is pretty WTFy.

So, their magical super enhancement program is Microsoft Freaking word. Either that, or it has a suspicious lack of any image-related features. focussing instead on word processing type tasks. I have yet to see an image editor of any sort that has a “table” command, let alone a menubar that mirrors that of word. I mean, what the hell, they couldn’t even be bothered to actually make the program they were running or had photoshopped on the screen or into a video or whatever the hell they are doing there an actual image editor? I find that especially odd since it was MADE with an image editor exactly like the one they were trying to create, who the hell figured “eh, just throw in a menu” and figured word was a good choice?

Did I mention they MAGNIFY in on the girls FREAKING EYE. try doing that with your digital camera. And don’t try saying “well, clearly that’s an expensive security camera” because A:) it’s Black and white, so clearly it’s some sort of CCTV thing, and B: the max resolution of a standard NTSC signal is worse than the lick and a promise resolution that the Evil madman gives the superhero at the end of every movie before they are either thrown in a woodchipper or otherwise fiercely ignored or gored. I mean, with CCTV her eye is probably like 3 pixels. And the original image is clearly somewhat pixellated, so clearly it’s a bit shaky even to see details at normal resolution.

and did I mention that they do this with Microsoft word? I mean, keep that in mind. So first, she simply “magnifies it 100 times” like you know, taking a standard 320×200 resolution NTSC signal, fabricating millions of pixels worth of otherwise non-existant information out of thin air and creating a crystal clear digitally zoomed in image is just the type of thing they always do. And then they need to “reverse” the “image” they found inside the ladies 3-pixel wide eye. How many secret photographs are hiding on shiny materials on my videos? I sure hope the shiny gloss finish on my Toshiba L300 screen in my Satellite 440CDX review didn’t reveal my secret collection of midget centaur pornography. That would be embarassing. In any case, this is something CSI does TIME and FREAKING TIME again, and it got to a point where they didn’t even pretend they were doing any of it. A person standing looking at a screen could say “enhance her nipples” and it would use it’s x-ray vision to see through her clothes to reveal she had the stolen nipple ring that was found on the body of that drug dealer that they originally arrested in the first act. So anyway, they manage to get this “image” from the girls eye, somehow the lady (no idea what her name is, Let’s call her Kevin) knows exactly what the guy (hell if I know his name- Let’s call him Meg) means when he says “Reverse” Because there is certainly no ambiguity there, I mean, it’s not like it could mean Flipping horizontal, or vertical, or inverting the colours. So she chooses the command from a popup menu.

and it is the same as the one you get when you right-click a picture object in Microsoft Word! Is this your flashy method of tracking criminals? use basic image manipulation in a Word processor? Are we supposed to believe this? Is there a limit to the number of consecutive rhetorical questions a person can ask?

And then after they magically get that reflection (and somehow it doesn’t just flip but also get’s like super clear) Kevin (again, that’s the name I gave the hispanic woman here) says something.

“It’s not very high resolution”

Gee, you think so there Kevin? who would have guessed that blowing up a image more times then a blow-up doll at a bachelor party might actually make the pixels BIGGER. So of course that entire little piece of speech there is entirely redundant because she just draws a box around the thing she wants to enhance and POOF! the program automatically knows exactly what she wants to do and even has fancy transitional animations to zoom it in, to be honest the zoomed in picture looks like a picture of an Amoeba farting to me, but apparently this is a breakthrough to them (I don’t know the context in the episode, maybe they were looking for the zookeeper and he kept a circus filled with trained Amoeba’s, and then they go there and discover that the Amoeba for the finale, who just coincidentally happens to specialize in farting mysteriously vanished. That leads Kevin and Meg on a fantastical adventure with so many dovetails you’re convinced the producers had to sacrifice about 50 dozen birds just to make the bloody thing.)

Now, I certainly have absolutely no problem with mystery shows. And books. Sherlock Holmes is a pretty good even if he is a violin playing Heroin User. (Or was it cocaine? I can’t remember.) In fact, that makes it all the more awesome anyway. Sure there were a few plot holes but aside from that Sir Doyle clearly did at least a little research. In the case of CSI, a show that pretty much is supposed to show the role of computers in forensics investigations, decides instead go assume that all it’s viewers will buy any sort of colourful interface as if that is what they actually use is ridiculous. Show some respect, and stop throwing computer terms around as if you actually know what they mean, it’s just embarassing.

Posted By: BC_Programming
Last Edit: 23 May 2013 @ 11:33 AM

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 29 Nov 2010 @ 4:07 PM 

So I was bored and decided to update my Flash plugin, a chore that I recollect stopping in it’s tracks previously, for reasons I couldn’t recall. Main reason was that my flash plugin has been nearly constantly crashing on certain sites. Mostly due to the ubiquitous use of flash for advertisements, which seems to be one of the dominant uses of the technology.

So, I visit adobe.com and go to download the player. First, they try to shove a McAfee scan down my throat. You know the drill. They know we just want to get the hell away from them, so they decide to helpfully fill out the “default” options for us, which just so happen to correspond with the options one would need to choose to give them the most revenue.

So I finally manage to get past that brigade of crap, and then it asks to install software. fair enough- that is what I was doing.

Much to my chagrin, however, it isn’t installing flash, it wants to install Adobe DLM, DLM I assume stands for DownLoad manager, although it could very well stand for Dingo-Llama-Mammoth for all I care.

let’s analyze the sequence of events so far:

  1. I find that because of the shitty programming by Adobe their newest, most stable release of Flash, which I might point out isn’t even theirs and is just a sodomized and tortured version of what was at least a personable Macromedia Flash, it crashes nearly constantly doing routine tasks, like showing, I don’t know, pictures, as it’s designed to.
  2. So, I decide to go to the vendor page (although I would prefer not to) in order to see if an upgrade is available. I believe there is. So I click to download Adobe Flash player. Before I do this I have to uncheck the “agreement” on my part to have them perform rectal scans of my computer using an AV product that probably is rather familiar with the appearance of a rectum, since that’s it’s origin. Now, remember, when I clicked the button, it said I was downloading Flash Player. And then *poof* up comes the prompt screen asking me to download this entirely unrelated “download manager” which brings me to another point.

Every single fucking program I download wants to install a god damned download manager! how many bloody download managers do I need? Am I going to need a download manager manager to manage all the download managers that all manage only the specific downloads from that specific company? Is there something wrong with the concept of downloading a program, I don’t know, using the conventional browser method? You know, like any other sane person? No, Adobe has decided to decide for me. “We won’t install Flash like you wanted, but we will install a download manager that will consume resources indefinitely for this one-time installation of Flash. Then it will sit in the background and make sure your updated, because god forbid if your version get’s out of date!”

Which brings me to another rant, Versioning. I mean, I totally understand why you might want to have the latest version of an application- it fixes bugs, adds features, and so forth. and being notified, and even having the opportunity to update with a few clicks is very convenient. I have no beef with the concept.

What I disagree with is this whole “OMG if you aren’t updated to the latest version you will get haxored!” there are people who say this about every bloody program. It’s understandable for browsers, and for a number of browser-based/web-based technologies, as well as things like the .NET framework, and of course the core of windows itself. But, seriously, the main reason you update a program is to fix bugs and add features, and hope that the bugs and security concerns that a new version adds (And they always do, unless the change is extremely minor) don’t outweigh the benefit of having the known vulnerabilities and the existing bugs eliminated.

Additionally, this very mantra is proposed on applications that have little relevance to web technologies. I mean, Microsoft Word has been relatively unchanged since version 6, with of course downlevel changes (which I’m sure took a lot of effort, I’m not downplaying that) But the fact is the entire purpose of the program is to be a word processor. The fact that it now represents a bloody programming platform should be some indication that they might have sort of lost their focus on what the program is supposed to do. It’s supposed to make it easy to edit documents, not make it easy to program spam e-mail merge programs or even be a platform from which to launch your own applications.

I don’t mean to pick on Word or Microsoft by any means- this seems to be a problem with a global scale. It’s a complex with versioning. If somebody has a problem, and they don’t have the latest version, that is automatically the cause, and truly, this attitude, or more precisely, the logic behind me, continues to elude me. They don’t understand the various downlevel changes, and half the time the release notes and changelog for said program mention nothing even remotely relevant to the various issues the person might be having.

Going almost hand-in-hand with the “download manager” syndrome is the “background updater”. Each company seems to have it’s own. You’ve got the Adobe one, the one from, say, Google, Apple, and so forth. And every single one of them is sitting in the background making sure I’m “up to date”. The problem here is that they all have to same goal but they all have very different UIs and they all act entirely different and essentially have different paradigms. This is something where Linux has the right idea; the package manager can update any package you install through either the GUI package manager or through a apt-get command in the terminal. The thing is, the environment is different; Linux programmers have no problem submitting their updates and new packages to the essentially neutral repository folks. With Windows, the best solution, which is the integrate this all into Windows Update, is owned by MS, which many of the companies who would have their software in it are competing with, which seems a bit like a conflict of interest; who knows if MS will “accidentally” forget to update users of competing products?

Back to the various “update” managers, they don’t simply update the programs you already have from their company; they also inform you of “updates” to their other products. The Apple update software makes sure you know when a new version of Safari is available, even if you only have iTunes; Google’s updater makes sure that you’re fully aware of when a new version of Picasa is released. And so on.

In conclusion, suffice it to say that currently update and download managers are wholly unnecessary (especially with the latter) and a huge pain in the ass for everybody.

Posted By: BC_Programming
Last Edit: 18 Oct 2011 @ 09:11 AM

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 29 Nov 2010 @ 1:41 AM 

When it comes to Older games; and even just games in particular, The developers obviously have to make some compromises; a game is never 100% realistic, even the most open sandbox game restricts your actions; Fallout 3, for example, while a vast world with numerous ways to complete the game and perform actions, still provides only a finite number of ways to go through the game; additionally, you can never “leave” the capital wasteland thanks to.. well, for no good reason. It just won’t let you leave thanks to invisible walls.

NES games, in particular, really use this. Take- Super Mario Brothers.

Right at the start, there is a goomba. If it happens to shuffle slowly into you, you die. Realistically speaking, being touched by a mushroom is not something that is usually fatal, even a anthropomorphized one that can magically move by changing the size of it’s feet.

it’s a permissible break from reality, given the limitations of the system, and in the name of fun. Extending this logic back into reality has some pretty interesting results, what with people exploding at the slightest touch, meaning that reproduction of our species is made both very impossible and all attempts to do so rather messy.

But wait! They wouldn’t explode, they would look to their right, hold up their arms and legs, and jump up several times higher then is physically possible and fall through the floor. Additionally, we will find that grabbing seemingly innocuous objects will grant us super powers; the leaves of any deciduous tree will allow you to become a mutant freak raccoon hybrid, while grabbing flowers will allow you to shoot fireballs.

Then you have the various games, such as contra, that represent bullets as slow moving projectiles. Allowing you to literally see the enemy shoot, the bullet come towards you, and effortlessly jump over it. It’s like the entire game is played in bullet time or something. Which naturally makes the game a lot easier, which isn’t saying much, as anybody whose played this game can attest. They may have made the bullet mechanic less frustrating, but they compensate by literally filling the screen with these bullets, especially the later levels.

Additionally, most games often represent lasers as projectiles that have an observable speed- see Goldeneye 007 for the N64 for one example- super metroid provides another, with the Plasma beam (which to my understanding is a laser).

a laser, by definition, travels at the speed of light, not something you can really “observe” in transit. On the other hand, the results from this particular difference are a lot more fun to observe; seeing a laser coming at you and blowing up your head, even though you died in the game would be a lot more “fun” then simply having your head explode for what seems to be no reason.

On the flipside, you often have games that perform what is known as “hitscan” testing. That is- the bullet is never actually “in-flight” when you shoot, it instantly hits the target. This is an acceptable compromise, since a game like Doom was both made many years ago (when computers weren’t as powerful) and the aim of the game is to kill evil stuff, not to learn about firearm ballistics. Some newer games try to avert this by actually having the bullets trajectory’s estimated and accounted for. This makes for more realistic gameplay, which can be just as fun.

Mario is an example of many of another interesting issue. for example, it’s easy to create a perpetual motion machine; simply find a koopa or buzzy beetle between two pipes, stomp them, and kick their shell. The shell effortlessly glides along the ground as if it was made of a completely frictionless material (despite mario’s clear ability to grip and move along it) additionally the shell will rebound off the pipes or blocks to either side in a perfect elastic collision and it preserves 100% of it’s horizontal momentum. Further, having two shells do this and collide causes them both to “die” (flip upside down and fall off the screen, just like how objects are destroyed in real life, right?) whereas one would expect they might bounce off one another. Actually, the reason for this I suspect is that a shell in movement essentially kills any enemy whose hitbox it collides with; in this case, both shells kill each other. (since there is no special case whereby a shell hitting another shell causing any specific behaviour). This is changed in Super Mario World, since making two movable enemies (such as upside down goombas, koopa shells, buzzy beetles, etc) collide will cause them to die but it also gives you a different amount of points; whereas on the first SMB two shells colliding would give you the sum of the number of points each shell is worth (depending how many enemies they have collides with so far) colliding two objects in smw would always give you 1000 points. additionally, you could just walk into a second shell or enemy while holding another and destroy both, while simply dropping the shell on said enemy’s head will kill them but preserve the shell. Really it’s a lot of rather complicated rules that make sense to people that play it but when you consider it it not only is entirely unrealistic (justified, it being a game designed for fun) it is also inconsistent even with it’s own rules (a ‘la the “drop or kick the shell to kill an enemy but preserve the shell, or keep holding it to destroy both)).

RPGs are of course not exempt from this, clearly because people don’t advance through levels nor actually acquire experience points; nor do they magically learn new skills out of nowhere when they acquire enough tech points or reach certain levels. Earthbound has this, when you reach certain levels, you instantly learn new PSI skills. “Ness realized the power of PSI Rockin’ A” for example. However, when you consider it, it doesn’t make any sense, realistically, whatsoever. “Wow, it’s a good think I killed that boss. Hey, I just realized I can kill shit with my mind, cool.”. You’d expect there to be some training involved. And then later in the game, Poo, a hilariously named character from the Far East area called “Dalaam” is whisked away by somebody who actually does teach him PSI skills. So it would seem that when you have PSI abilities, you can just walk around and kill things, using whatever you want and you suddenly learn new ones. Hell, you could even get Jeff to just kill stuff with bottle rockets while everybody else watches.

Ness: OMG! A blue swirl enveloped me, and now you guys have suddenly appeared next to me to fight a oak tree!
Jeff: Don’t Worry! I’ll launch a Big Bottle Rocket at it! *shoots bottle rocket*
Ness: OMG! the Oak tree exploded into flames
Jeff: ACK! I have taken mortal damage!
Paula: AHH! I also have suffered damage that will lead to my death
Poo: the flames missed me.

Ness: Whew, the battle is over, everybody OK?
Jeff: yes, thankfully despite having 86%A of my body covered in third degree burns during the battle in what would realistically cause me instant death, because the HP counter had not rolled over to zero by the end, I survived just fine with only a few scratches.
Paula: I’m a GHOST!
Ness: OMG! Watching you kill that Oak tree with a bottle rocket has caused me to learn a new psychic move, despite the fact that PSI healing Omega is clearly unrelated in any way to bottle rockets.
Poo: I can mysteriously speak english, despite being from a country on the other side of the world.
Paula: HELLO! I’m a ghost here! Not good!
Ness: here, Paula’s Ghost, have a cup of noodles
Paula: Ahh, much better, I have become corporeal again. That was odd. These are damn fine noodles.
Ness: OK, gais, let’s go to a hotel
*they all stay in a hotel*
Jeff: dudes, despite the fact that I didn’t get any sleep, my HP is fully restored!
Ness: cool. why’d you not sleep
Jeff: DUH! I was fixing this Broken Spray can, and when I fixed it, it became the DEFENSE SPRAY!
Ness: That took you all night? It’s a spray can. Why are you carrying around broken stuff anyway?
Paula: Hey guys I think if we battle a few more random enemies I might learn how to freeze enemies using PSI Freeze Omega!
Ness: Wow, cool, and then we can go and defeat the big bad enemy who has no true form and is a lampshade of all “ultimate evil” type enemies in all games.
Ness: dude, you never had shoes.
Poo: Oh.

This of course happens in nearly all RPGs…. and let’s not forget Final Fantasy’s thing where they always make the bosses like fifty times the size of your characters. (And of course the whole “I will walk forward and slash the air… TAKE THAT! numbers have appeared in front of you!” thing).

Additionally, when you kill enemies (in older games) oftentimes they don’t leave a body behind. In Chrono Trigger and final fantasy, for example, they just sort of dissipate. If that was something that occured in real life funeral homes would go out of business. Thankfully, in the game, they still leave plenty of lootz.

Several Shows on Television suffer this to a hilarious degree. CSI is a prime example, as well as NCIS. Whenever an episode has any sort of involvement of computer hacking or anything remotely similar, you may as well change the channel. It’s basically a stream of made up crap that means nothing at all. Let’s not forget the classic case whereby none of the computer interfaces are even vaguely familar half the time; you’d expect them to use; I don’t know, an OS that exists; however they all use some weird special OS whereby all fonts are at least 72-point and every single piece of text types itself out when you go to show it; showing that, despite the computers being super fast, they haven’t mastered the basic art of text display. Or more likely they made it look fancy for no good reason. Also, when they are comparing fingerprints, rather then the program, I don’t know, just saying a % of the database it’s gone through, it instead displays every single entry as it goes through the database. Apparently none of the people responsible for this realized how stupid and pointless and slow that was.

Another magic feature is the “enhance” option, which appears to be a part of anything that can handle images. Merely displaying an image in Paint, for example, and saying “enhance that” and pointing at a vague location of the screen tells the computer to enhance a 5 by 5 pixel area that represents a suspect/victims face, and then it magically extrapolates, using those 5 pixels, exactly what that person looks like in high definition. Of course this is entirely impossible with even the BEST software because it’s basically constructing data out of nowhere. It’s like having a picture of yourself from that only includes your face and telling the computer to give you body and then having it actually create what you looked like that day. The data is gone, or it never existed. no amount of “enhancement” is going to bring it back. Sure, you can apply various filters to highlight trends or patterns in the data that does exist, and so forth; but “enhancing” the image and causing missing data to be “interpolated” out of thin air is nonsense.

Star Trek, naturally, is no exception to this sort of thing; characters can perform about 20 different things on one console, while only tapping a few random buttons. And of course, the interface makes no sense at all; it’s a few colourful rectangles, only some of which have a random number over top of it, and yet everybody seems to know what each one does, even [i]aliens who have never encountered it before[/i]. If these aliens can do it, why can’t us viewers make sense of it?

And now I have totally forgotten what I was talking about. Oh well.

Posted By: BC_Programming
Last Edit: 17 Dec 2010 @ 12:11 AM

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 15 Sep 2010 @ 3:25 PM 

We often hear marketing speak, and management speak- usually it’s just a bunch of meaningless words. Sometimes this type of stuff can be used to great effect- I am fairly certain I have used similar meaningless phrases or extreme redundancies before as well.

In my travels, I stumbled upon this a blog post that managed to escalate this to a fine art.

This is a bloody classic example of Management speak. For example:

For us it starts with a Vision, followed by a framework of Commitments.

a “framework” of commitments? WTF is that? Is there something wrong with saying a SET of commitments, you know, like any other sane bloody person? Commitments don’t rely on each other, like pylons or rafter or any other framework, or classes in a class framework. It’s just a meaningless word that is entirely redundant here.

the he tells us their Vision:

Showcase world class operational and development solutions which facilitate customer/partner success; enabling their businesses to achieve strategic initiatives & execute against customer commitments.

dry. Boring. Lacks insight. He may as well have said “Our vision: Do stuff”. I would have been no less enthralled. At least then the grammar would make sense. “achieve strategic initiatives & execute against customer commitments.”… Yet another WTF right there… why would you want to work AGAINST your customer commitments. Jesus, this guy can’t even get management speak right. luckily nobody reads it. I just thought it was hilarious. I shall continue. I’ll be skipping some parts which are horrendously filled with comprehensive difficulties and ambiguous language.

Broad Reach Execution Plan: Develop learning experiences as productized material able to be shipped through channels such as TechNet, MSDN, Conferences, Communities and Marketing.

for the sake of FUCK. just say “develop materials able to be shipped…” you don’t need all that excessive, meaningless, and FUCKING REDUNDANT garbage. “productized material”? What the hell does that even mean? Nothing.

Critical Customer Engagements: Alignment with Microsoft field representative & product management; enabling our operational experiences to be shared in 1-on-1 customized customer engagement formats.

“alignment with…” what the hell does that even mean? are we suddenly talking about getting our tires aligned? No, apparently they plan to align themselves with their field representatives & product management. Of course they could have used a far better term like “work with” but fuck, that doesn’t have the managey smell to it, does it? And it makes sense. “Alignment with”… what the hell? So if your product managers are satanic visionaries you’ll fall into line? STOP WITH THE OVER ambiguous and yet simultaneously redundant crap!

Employee Development: Training & Career discussions with personalized plan established

What, so now he’s so powerful and mighty being high up in microsoft that he cannot even use periods? he just SHIT all over the english language here, and we’re supposed to sit by and take it? “HAHA I IZ POWERFUL!” he wields his pen loosely, and keeps a tight seal on his source of writing power: *nasally nerd voice* my technique *snort* is to take my sentence, and for every word I look it up in a thesaurus and replace it with the longest word *snort*.

For example:

I cannot seem to find the red ball.


The productized inventory management of red coloured spheres is not discoverable.

instant management speak! Of course, nobody has a clue what the fuck you are saying, but hey, welcome to bear town, or something.

acknowledging change opportunities as a lever to realign people and team functions/accountabilities to effectively meet the demands of business while simultaneously developing new opportunities for continued employee development.

yet more about alignment. If I didn’t know any better I would expect an advertisement for me to go get an oil change as well. But it’s not just a standard realignment, you see, since they are using opportunities as a lever. Damn these people are really doing something good. “Hey kids! why don’t you go play on the seesaw?” “we can’t, there aren’t any seesaws” “DONT WORRY! we’ll just use your prospective happiness as a lever and play on that like a seesaw! WOOPAH! MIDGET BEARS!”

The heart and soul of accomplishing the Vision & Commitments is that of our people development, cross group collaboration & partnership, and organizational agility.

wait a minute, theres a 2 to 1 ratio here, he’s saying that heart and soul are 4 things. DAMN HIM! damn his ability to modify the rules of arithmetic to persue his demonic management-like whims! CURSE his organizational agility! I’ve only been able to come up with kinetic organizational agility myself.

We continually stress the importance of transparency from the top down

Yep glass manufacturing generally finds that to be rather important. What? you don’t make glass? what the hell are you talking about then?

And NOW! the obligatory nonsense that people come here for:

This all reminds me of my fictitious Aunt flo’s equally fictitious brain tumour. I had to take her to a doctor, but they refused to see her because she was fictitious. Discrimination, obviously. So I had to take her to a fictitious doctor, her performed a number of fictitious tests. Then I realized I was late for a basketball game and I was on point, so I ran outside and jumped into my aunts fictitious car and drove there. I was just in time, but then I realized that I didn’t play basketball, and was in fact remembering a scene from a movie. Ahh, I said, stopping and enjoying the memory. That was a retarded movie. So I then ran back to the fictitious doctors office. I was just in time for him to give my fictitious aunt a fictitious bill of health, whatever that means, he demanded payment, so I gave him some monopoly money, based on the fact that it is fictitious currency. Of course, being a conjuration of my own mind mixed with the various ridiculously inaccurate and stereotypical hospital dramas I’ve seen, this didn’t go over so well.

At this point I became aware of the fact that a stout fat woman was hiding in my cupboards, so I jumped up and grabbed my flying possum suit, ran across the field, and extended my arms, I then jumped and started to quiver my tail slightly, and to everybody’s amazement, I flew! I flew all the way home, bent on getting there before that stout fat woman in my cupboards started to eat my pie filling. Upon arriving I was greeted by a german bartender, who allowed me inside. He then made me a martini and started to discuss the ails of society. I then realized that he wasn’t a bartender at all, since bartenders listen, but rather a cab driver! I was enraged, so I went to stuff him in the cupboard. It was there that I met the stout fat woman, and I fell in love. She was like a half-midget, half barrel, but all woman, which made a good 2 wholes put together. Soon we were married and life was swell, because I still had my pie filling. She kept her job in the toast factory and I found myself a job as a zombie version of Joey on the latest Friends spinoff, “Friends AD (after death)”.

However, not all was swell in happy land. After the birth of our first daughter, Barrella, who was as stout as her mother, I encountered a wild gecko in the woods behind our house. It called out my name, well not really, it called me Steve for some reason, but I was still impressed, being that it was talking and all. He asked me to give him a hug, not seeing the harm in hugging a small gecko, despite it’s obvious strangeness, I obliged. I was taken aback and hurt when he tried to steal my wallet, however. He confessed and gave me my wallet back, and told me a story.

This gecko was, of course, no ordinary gecko. Not only could he speak, but he also had the ability to burn recordable CD’s with his eyes. During the rise of WORM drives, he was rather popular, burning the latest Madonna singles for his retarded newt friends across the road.

However, something purely unexpected occured. DVD started to exist. He knew that his time of burning CD-R disks with his special laser vision ability were soon to be over, so he resigned voluntarily. He managed to get a job as a superhero, but they never called him into action, as his primary ability was pretty much being able to rewrite CD-RWs. Superman asked for his help once with burning a mix CD for wonder woman, but he never did find out if it worked, since after that everytime superman entered the room Wonder woman made herself invisible. (she can do that, I think). Soon it was suggested that Disc-Gecko, as they had come to call him, might find a better use for hims powers somewhere else. This was suggested by Jughead, the “Archie” character, who was also on the superhero panel because of his ability to eat a lot, (they were desperate at the time, Potato man, a French guy who was imbibed with the mystical power of the potato was also allowed to join at this time. He went red with rage, and used his laser vision to turn off the lights. In the panic, Super Knife man started to cut things at random, and deep-fryer man started to sizzle.

Soon it was realized what happened. Potato man had been sliced by Super Knife man and had fallen into deep fryer mans… deep fryer. The other members were outraged, Even wonder woman was angry about it, at least until Superman glanced her way, then she became invisible again.

Anyway, so me and the gecko became good friends. He told me once about his fictitious Aunt Martha, and I was all like, “woah, I have a fictitious Aunt Martha” So we were fictitiously related! It totally changed things between us. Well not really, but that’s sort of what you would expect me to say. Anyways, at some point we went to a party, and as I was getting a drink from a keg it started to berate me. To my surprise, it was my daughter, Barrella. She said that their uncle, Herman the Goat, was in the hospital because he was attacked by a time travelling Nazi.

I shook my fist in the air, “DAMN YOU TIME TRAVELLING NAZIS!” and went back to the old house with her. The stout fat woman I married earlier and had been with for 6 years, whose name I can never remember (I want to say “Stevie” or “Shawna” or something) was somewhat distraught, and showed me a number of their family pictures with their uncle Herman. Turns out that he wasn’t actually a goat, but was half-Goat, half human, clearly from some adventures of their father in the barnyard. As a result, he enjoyed Canasta as much as he liked garbage.

When we got to the hospital, we found he was missing. However, there was still a time portal that the Nazis (I presumed) had taken him through, so I followed, despite the fact that I hadn’t even met this Herman fellow. It wasn’t really an act of caring or compassion, I mean, if you saw pictures of a half-goat half man, and you had a chance to meet one, would you pass up the opportunity? Hell no. So I fell through time. Which was rather badly decorated. Awful lot of plaid in the vortex. I emerged 10 minutes earlier, exactly 5 minutes before the nazis came through the portal. I hid behind the life monitor thingy (the thing that keeps him alive, whatever the fuck it’s called, I want to say “Shawna”?). Soon, the time travelling Nazis came through. I stood up, and froze when I realized that they had guns. DAMN! of course they had guns, they’re Nazis.

So there I was, a guy wearing a possum suit and trying to protect a half-human half goat mutant offspring of a sick perverted man, and having a bunch of time travelling nazis pointing a gun at me. Typical god damned afternoon. Thankfully, just then, I walked in. (the previous version of me) and saw what was going on. he saw the time travelling nazis and went red with rage, ripping the life monitor from the freakish goat mutant and throwing it at the nazis, which sent them back to hell where they belong (it probably sent them to yesterday, but same difference). Just as the nurses came in on account of the code blue and pronounced Uncle Herman dead, the same time travelling nazis came out of the closet and created yet another rip in space time. “God dammit!” I said, “If the fabric of space time is being used for a pair of jeans somewhere it’s full of god damned holes!”. The nazi’s ran into the portal, I followed, and found myself in the exact same spot 10 minutes previously, when the Nazis were aiming the gun at me before. Coming from behind I was able to steal both nazi’s wallets, immediately after which I knocked both their heads together, which quite unlike one would expect from television didn’t really knock them out at all. So I grabbed them both and tossed them back into the time vortex. Uncle herman was glad I was baabaabaack. Just then, I walked in, and all three of us were quite confused, being that in general there is only one of a single person. We started theorizing on the best way to take advantage of this. Then my good friend, the laser-eyed gecko, suggested that none of this makes any sense, why is it that there are three of you, if I had gone back in time, first, and then you stopped yourself from going back in time, how would you have gone back in time in the first place?

“If I’ve learned anything from Star Trek” I said, “It’s that all aliens are large breasted and easily swayed by toupe wearing american actors.”.

“That has nothing to do with what I just said ” he responded.

“perhaps not. But have you considered Gravy”?

And so we all had a good laugh and a delicious turkey dinner. The End.

Posted By: BC_Programming
Last Edit: 16 Sep 2010 @ 09:14 PM

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 31 Aug 2010 @ 6:00 AM 
In yet another installment of my “Phrase Examination” series, which is only by complete coincidence entirely contiguous, I will analyze the phrase “Cute as a button”. Previously I analyzed the phrases “Happy as a clam” as well as “A penny saved is a penny earned”. “As Cute as a button”. you hear it far too often. But what does it mean?
moar buttons.


I would imagine the original usage was directed at the type of button shown to the left. It could also be interpreted more modernly as something like The definition of the word “Cute” is
Cute: the quality of being appealing in a delicate or graceful way (of a girl or young woman)
Now, I’m evidently no expert, but from what I can tell, I really don’t see these buttons being appealing, in any way, let alone delicate or graceful. I mean, they’re a couple circles with holes in them. “Oh look at the cute designs” is not what I associate with buttons. when I think about buttons, I either think about the old wrinkly hands of the last ancient seamstress who actually thinks these button designs aren’t completely retarded, or about how god damn frustrating the bloody things are. When I have a pair of pants, I don’t want to have to fight a mortal battle between my pants and myself in order to go to the bathroom- Why must so many pants have both a zipper AND a button? was the zipper too obvious? did they do trial runs to see how many men could get it out in time and decide they had enough room to throw a button into the design? WHAT GOD DAMN SICKO’S ARE THESE PEOPLE? sadistic bastards is what they are I tell you! So anyway, I’m sure we’ve all seen buttons- of the sewing type, of course. I’ll get onto the next ones eventually, calm yourself. At the very least, there aren’t any shoes that are fastened with buttons. you have laced shoes for the mentally fit, and you have velcro for everybody else. And then you have shirts, I mean, I can certainly identify with why they might choose buttons over a zipper, since a zipper requires a rather sturdy thick fabric, it’s not really that good for light shirts. but why don’t they put a thin strip of velcro fuzz on the inner portion of both sides, and then have ties with the hooky part on the bottom? but NO, of course not, they have to have buttons, so that despite the fact that you just woke up, your left arm is asleep because you slept on it, and until you have your coffee you have the cognitive capacity of a bloody shrew, you still have to perform the epic button struggle, whereby you need to fasten all 8 or so of the buttons and they all need to be fastened to the right hole on the other side. It’s no problem to the alert individual, but considering the use case scenario here, whereby the buttons are only used when you are removing or putting on said garment, you’re almost always half-asleep. (Except in certain cases when things get frisky, I suppose). Anyways, so the button is something that was clearly designed to torture people. Therefore, no sane person must have invented it. I have come up with two theories as to the origin of that type of button, it was either created by a mad scientist villian in some misguided plot to control the worlds television manufacturers, or it was send by aggressive aliens:
Alien Soldier:It is done, my lord. Alien General: Excellent! our plan has begun! We simply wait until they are all distracted by fastening and unfastening their clothing in order to put it on or take it off their pitiful weak bodies, then we strike! Alien Soldier: Yes, excellent. Alien General: mwa haha Alien soldier: Mw ha… hey wait a second Alien General: What? What is it? Alien Soldier: Why are we speaking the human language? Alien General: Oh Horrors! you’re right! I can’t even remember my original language. I guess being immersed in their culture and posing as a intelligent but large-headed plumber on Earth for 50 years takes it’s toll. Alien Soldier: But sir! if we can only speak the human language, then destroying their planet would mean destroying all their dictionaries! How the hell are we going to have scrabble night if we cannot challenge each other entries. Alien General: Curses! You’re right, Scrabble night really brings the troops together. Well, I guess we just won’t destroy earth then. Eventually the Humans will realize how stupid these “buttons” are on their own.
As you can see, it was pure coincidence that we as a race were spared the untimely death they had planned for us. Although come to think of it is there any such thing as a “timely” death? I mean, nobody says at a funeral, “we are gathered here to celebrate Grandpa’s timely and entirely expected death”. I mean, sure, a death can be expected when somebody is really really old and sick, but to say it was “timely” is like saying “oh golly, the funeral fits PERFECTLY in with my schedule, what a timely occurence!” you know, as if it wasn’t too much of an inconvenience for them to die. But I digress. Back to buttons:

Ugly buttons.

Great. Now, these don’t look too bad, at first glance. But notice the background, This shot has clearly been taken while the buttons sat on a 60?s era tablecloth, back when striped linen weren’t used exclusively by old people. Therefore, we can assume this shot was taken by an old person. Nothing wrong with old people, of course. Aside from being old, I suppose. And they like to talk about days gone by, and they always skew it so it sounds worse or better then it was, depending on context. if somebody complains about something they will go on for an hour about how much worse things were in their day and how we should just shut up, but if you say how great something is they will go on an equally enthusiastic rant about how much better some similar piece of technology was in their day or speak volumes about some manual method. Say how great E-mail is and they’ll do both, they’ll complain about the impersonal nature of E-mails and then turn around and tell us how much longer snail mail takes, it’s like a one-two punch of backwards elderly logic. Anyways, as I was saying, the first button would be alright, except the colour is the same as only one single thing in the known universe. Only one other object, aside from buttons, are this colour. Granny sweaters. you know those off-white sweaters that they made when they were 6 from the dirty wool of their favourite sheep, which explains both why it doesn’t fit them very well (they were 6 when they made it) as well as why it’s off-white (the wool wasn’t cleaned). This has several connotations, the first of which is of course that it’s only usable by people who own these “Granny sweaters”, which, I’m sorry to say is a sample set that consists predominantly of old people- Granny’s in particular. Of course not all Granny’s have Granny Sweaters, just as not all kids love Rock and Roll. Some granny’s wear people clothes, just as some kids love Rocky Road. but my point is clear: by the time your old enough to use this button, you should be learned enough to not really give a damn about colour coordination or any of that senseless bullshit. Now the second one actually tells an interesting story. You’ll note the fact that it has four holes rather then one, this was actually a result of a lizard getting into the button making machine, he gummed up the works and some of the buttons ended up going through twice, creating mutant freak four holed buttons. Much to the surprise of the Granny’s on duty. They discovered it was far easier to create thread shanks this way, so they kept it. And the rest is not part of history, so I’ll tell it to you. So, the lizard was pretty much idolized by stitching grannies everywhere. It wasn’t particularly special, It was a former member of the Lizards Painted to Blend In With Unconventional Backgrounds(LPBWUB), but almost every lizard or reptilian from that era was a member, so they didn’t really count that against them. Besides, given the fact that most of the material they used back then was horridly ugly as a result of being freakishly unconventional that sort of thing would count as more of a positive qualification, just in case… I guess if they wanted to spy on other grannies that were near the fabric. Damned if I know. So then what happened was the Lizard was kidnapped by the local QMAPCBAETBFE(Quadriplegic Midgets Against the Painting of Cold Blooded Animals Except on Tuesdays between five and eleven). They held them for a ransom of a small fortune, 2 British Pounds. Now back in those days the Pound Sterling was worth at least a US grand each, so this wasn’t small change. Thankfully, the grannies were able to enlist the aid of the MDPADMWDPLW (Somewhat Mentally Disabled Penguins Against Disabled Midgets Who Dislike the Painting of Lizards on Wednesday) as well as get the funds for the ransom from their allies, the UFOPVABNTOANBMITGTVPLMOUWTOC(United Front of Old People of Various Ages But Not Too Old As to Not Be Mostly Independent and To Go To Various Public Locations And Make Others Uncomfortable With Their Off-color Comments). As a Condition of that alliance however it was important that their Sister organization, the SWATIEBE(Solitary Wasps Against The Invasion of Earth By ExtraTerrestrials), and their completely unexpected Allies, the FCAUSRICB(Fat Caterpillars Against the Use of Synthetic Rubber In the Creation of Basketballs) At this time the intentions of the STMDWDUDAIMA(Small Time Mafia Don’s Who Don’t Use Deodorant Against the Involvement of Midgets in Anything), as they tossed a number of beetles at the Penguins, who, being Somewhat mentally disabled, yelled “ALIEN ATTACK”, which of course set off the Solitary Wasps, Who started sticking their Ovipositors in the various caterpillars. The UFOPVABNTOANBMITGTVPLMOUWTOC members made some passing off color remarks that made the Midgets nervous and they started to grab the penguins and hurl them like darts at the Solitary Wasps. During this Epic battle, The grannies slipped into the Complex and got their Lizard back. Thankfully, because of the invention of the four-holed button, we actually averted an Alien attack, because they were like, just about to hit that “invade button” then they saw this one dude wearing a button with four holes and he was like “woah dude” and his partner was like “woah dude” and the guy across the room was all “SRSLY?”, and then the Prime Chancellor Alien dude in charge of the invasion of Earth and possibly Mars if there is time to catch the last bit of Coronation Street Before sunset caught wind of this and was all “OMG they have four holed buttons! ABORT ABORT! FOR THE FUCKING LOVE OF GOD ABORT!”. Most of the aliens at this time only understood tiny bits of english, somewhat like sweat shop workers. So they just gave their leader a puzzled look, like a dog does, that way they cock their head quizzically. Then the leader realized he was speaking English and told them in his own native language (which unfortunately does not use a alphabet that lends itself well to a form of scrabble), and the Aliens were like “OMGZ” and “OH NOES”. They managed to abort, but not before the entire ship’s crew died of exposure to four holed buttons. Another problem with buttons is their obvious link to terrorists. Some terrorist groups are led by a man who calls him self Osama Bin Button, Who it is presumed from his name Used to be a button but is no longer one.

"Death to the four holed infidels" Oh wait, let me try that again, my voice was a bit hoa... whaddya mean I don't get a retake? I paid like 5 bucks for th..."

Osama Bin Button is most popular for his famous Chili sauce, but also for killing those who would be audacious enough to say they think his chili sauce isn’t spicy enough. HE USED habanero peppers for the sake of possum, the heat index ratio as measured by the mexican board of spicy foods was at least 5, which I assume means it’s spicy. Oh oh yes, and he kills infidels who believe in the holiness of the four holes sewing button. The conflicts that eventually caused his rise to popularity among two-holed button cultists is a long one. It started almost 2 millenium ago, when Jesus button descended from the heavens. He was shot down by a time travelling nazi during his descent, so the only thing that made it to the ground was his pet possum. This pet possum begat Steve, Steve Begat Abe, And Abe Begat Begat, who Begat Jerry. Now, Jerry was fond of ice cream, which was rather unfortunate since it was at least 1500 years before it would be conceived. Jerry decided to found his own town in the middle of a desert between two fighting countries. He named his Town Jerrysalem, because he likes that talking cat character in that Sabrina show That I have never seen intentionally. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention- they eventually captured the time travelling Nazi and took his time travelling device so they could go forwards in time and watch Television every sunday. Now the problem here was it caused quite a stir among residents when they learned the origin of the name, which they thought was a tribute to the Israeli extreme metal band called Salem. The Residents split into two sides, One side saying that the Cat character was in fact mostly played by a puppet, and the other side saying that it was a real cat who was given the gift of speech by a magical Nazi gypsy. (during this time in history there was quite a stir about nazis, being that a time travelling one had just off’d Button Jesus). Eventually, they started to kill and maim each other. Which was rather unfortunate since they were both right (excepting the detail about magical nazi gypsies), since they used a real cat for some scenes and they used a puppet thing for others. I of course only know this because of those times that it came on and I was too lazy to change the channel. If anything it added a good generic background sounds for my self-gratification. But that is quite enough about that. What ended up happening was that Jerry was forced out of the city, along with a resident known only as Uncle Ben. Jerry the possum and Uncle ben then travelled across the desert for 40 years, selling rice to local arabs, who were all too willing to trade latex paint for it. Now equipped with Latex paint, they created the sacred desert painting of Albasum, which depicts a whole lot of sand using very detailed artwork. Meanwhile, what used to be known as JerrySalem was renamed to Jerusalem, after Jerry’s fictitious aunt Jeru, who was rather famous for her Buttermilk pancakes (but the fame really came from her sister, Jemima’s, maple syrup). They kept the Salem ending as a constant reminder about something that they had by that time forgotten. During this time, a half-Nazi half Albino Elephant Scientist had discovered the ability of a device to be created with which one could fasten garments. He called this a button, for no particularly interesting reason. Many theorize that aliens may have influenced his naming scheme, but it could have also been his totally screwy genetic makeup. Whatever the case, the Aliens at this point intruded and caused the creation of a 4-holed button. This is where the disaster occured. The 2-holed button, being of course perfectly suited to the task, was widely accepted. Osama Bin button at this time was a budding Nazi learning the ways of the Force. Now at this time I should point out that this was long before world war II and Hitler and so forth and everybody was pretty cool with Nazi’s, who at the time were sort of like hippies. They weren’t all “we’re the aryan race and we is better then u” elitist assholes like they have become now. Osama Bin Buttons original experience with the four holed button was not positive- he watched as both his father and mother were killed by a dump truck containing 2-holed buttons. Now you might be thinking “but he was against 4-holed buttons!” Of course he was. You see this occured right after a debilitating concussion as a result of trying to overextend his knee during practice sessions in his sex ed class, so he was seeing double. as a result, the 2-holed buttons appeared to have 4 holes to him, and such was how he came to hate 4 holed buttons. Now you may be wondering, “well golly gee, that was thousands of years ago, he should be dead now” Not true, young grasshopper. You see Bin Button’s Contra is revived every time somebody finishes the NES game contra, at which point The Bear Colonists on Planet Bear in a nearby star system send a sub space message that forces his contra into a new body. Because he had trained for it all his life in Nazi consciousness transferal training, he was also able to modify the recipients DNA to look like his previous self.
Posted By: BC_Programming
Last Edit: 18 Oct 2011 @ 09:10 AM

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 21 Jul 2010 @ 5:50 AM 

recently, I stumbled upon a ridiculous thread regarding system requirements for “Counter-strike: Source”. Well, I wouldn’t say stumbled, it was actually linked in a TheDailyWTF thread.

the Poster claims that it’s “Unfair” that they can no longer play the game using a system that fits the specifications of the original “boxed” copy.

They go so far as to claim that valve did this intentionally in order to force people to upgrade, which seems clearly ridiculous since upgrading doesn’t help them at all. Most of the people in the discussion (which, for reference, can be found here) have clearly acquired their entire understanding of the justice system and law on episodes of Law & Order, which, I’m sorry to say, wouldn’t help them pass their Bar exam. They have an equally deficient understand of anything remotely programming related.

They claim that Valve did this on purpose. First, Why? What do they have to gain? Sure, they did it on purpose, but I suspect the reason is that the API is almost completely different between all of DX7, DX8, and DX9, and they assumed that somebody who played a game as fad-inspired as Counter-strike would no longer be using a 11 year old video card.

From where I stand it sounds like a bunch of teenagers complaining about how they can no longer “pwn noobs” because their ATI Rage Pro is no longer fully supported. The cries to upgrade fall on deaf ears, because the have no jobs and rely entirely on their allowance to get anything at all. This is further proven by the fact that the complainant claims to actually understand anything about Law. Nobody understands anything about law. Nobody. Even lawyers simply pretend to understand. All “law” is apparently based on precedent (according to the law expert that is this particular CSS player, an oxymoronic statement I would rather not repeat) so it makes me wonder why they bother to write up all these other things. They quote a legal link as it it matters, with absolutely zero inference to the fact that A:) the product on their “box” is NOT the same product they have on their PC.

They are absolutely free to install the game form their original disks, and refuse all updates. They won’t be able to play online, but that restriction is clearly NOT COVERED by the law. So they can shove their links right back up their ass where they pulled them from.

This is one of the things that pisses me off. people pretending they know what they talk about when they are merely pulling arguments out of their ass or even out of thin air, and basing their entire stance on the subject on pure assumption. It really pisses off those of us who do know what we are talking about (hahaha)

I mean, for Possum’s sake, these people play COUNTER-STRIKE, and at the same time claim to have some sort of depper understanding of Legal issues. What a bunch of dumbasses. Hardly anybody who has an IQ higher then about 60 plays Counter strike, and those that do at least understand the basic premise that a software update changes the software in question and different software will have different requirements. Bitching and complaining because your 10 year old PC can no longer run a fully updated copy of a game you bought 9 years ago is like complaining to microsoft because the changed software scene has essentially antiquiated the minimum requirements they specified for nearly all their Operating Systems. When they were released they were minimum, and recommended, and they fit the description, but as software grew larger and adapted to the various changes the requirements became meaningless. Do we sue Microsoft because we can no longer run XP comfortably with 64MB of RAM? No, of course not. XP SP3 changed XP but the biggest factor is the different software being used.

And their constant cries “IT’S EEZEE TO FIX LOL ROXOR I GONNA {PLAY COUNTOR STRIKWERH NOW DUHG” clearly indicates they have no idea what they are talking about. First, unless they have actually seen the source code, what needs to be changed, the regression testing that will need to be performed, the layout of involved data structures, and so forth, they cannot make a claim that “it’s easy” and since they clearly have not seen any of that they are basing their claim entirely on their observation of what that code does, which is no indication of the complexity of the code itself. Besides, they couldn’t understand the code anyway, but like most teenagers they like to think they do, despite their absolutely lack of the proper cognitive processes to do so. (most of the appropriate brain cells died in a mass suicide while they played Counter-strike)

Posted By: BC_Programming
Last Edit: 21 Jul 2010 @ 05:59 AM

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Categories: Games, Humour, idiots
 14 Jul 2010 @ 11:08 PM 

See the previous post in this series: Phrase Examination I: “happy as a clam”

In today’s episode of phrase examination, I examine the phrase “A Penny saved is a penny earned”.

This saying is usually used when somebody either finds a small amount of money or has made arrangements in which they save a small amount of money.

However, the concept is flawed! you see, saving a penny indicates placing it somewhere for safety and for the express purpose that it be spent or used later. Following this, it doesn’t matter how that money is acquired originally- stolen money can be saved just as easily as earned money.

Therefore, while on the surface the phrase is harmless, what it’s really doing is encouraging criminals the phrase essentially says that if you steal money, you’ve properly earned it simply by saving it. What utter nonsense that is, I say! The real meaning should be more like “A Penny Earned should be a penny saved”, since not only does it make assertions that are logical fallacies such as saying that all pennies that are saved were all earned. Since earn, by definition, means “acquire or deserve by one’s efforts or actions” they are saying indirectly (but quite clearly) that if you save money, no matter wether you stole it or acquired it by selling drugs or other illegal means, you still earned it legitimately. I take issue with this.

While assertions such as direct comparision saying “X is Y” when it is clear that not all of X can possibly be Y are rather common when it comes to phrases, this is one of the few that actually encourages criminal behaviour. Do we really want our children to learn these sayings? When a young child finds a penny on the street, do their parents say “a penny saved is a penny earned”? because a day might come where it is revealed that that child has saved up millions of dollars that they had stolen through embezzlement and theft, should we hold the parents responsible for telling their children that this is right? Should we allow these vagrant assertions to rule our daily lives, and fray the very fabric of morality in all of us for the purpose of a single cute saying?

I for one say no, I say no to these asserted logical fallacies and the results that they bring, and I encourage everybody to curtail their use of such ridiculous phrases!

Posted By: BC_Programming
Last Edit: 18 Oct 2011 @ 09:12 AM

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Categories: Humour, Phrase examination
 11 Jul 2010 @ 9:26 PM 

In a new type of post I will class “Phrase Examination” I will examine common metaphorical phrases that, when examined deeper, often have deep existential implications.

For example, often times, people, myself included, will use the phrase “Happy as a clam”. from the context, it suggests that clams are in fact happy.

However, how do we know a clam is happy? How do we even know a clam is capable of emotion? Oftentimes, I’ve wondered, since I really have too much time on my hands, wether it might actually be a reference to the clam’s physical shape itself, how, when you look at a clam from a isometric viewpoint, the clam often appears to be wearing a smile, which to the uneducated observer can seem to run to infinity. Of course, such a concept is rather foolish- a smile is defined as “a facial expression characterized by turning up the corners of the mouth; usually shows pleasure or amusement”. of note here are the terms “facial” and “mouth” a clam has no face, and the bivalve’s two-halves hardly form a “mouth” as much as it forms a “concave environment in which it spends it’s entire life”. Additionally, the concept is based entirely on a viewpoint- from above the clam. if you do the same from the bottom, the clams metaphorical expression becomes one of deep emo-like sadness, the type that makes you wonder if it cuts itself because it’s not worth it’s own blood.

Another Clam-related phrase, or more precisely, clam-related word, is the word “clammy” which means moist and warm, and can usually apply to nearly everything in a warm humid environment. contrariwise, the Clam is a saltwater bivalve that lives in seawater in the temperate regions of the Earth. under the water the humidity is at a constant 100%, for reasons I hope i need not explain, but the Clam doesn’t only live in warm water, nearly anything in the temperate region is suitable. Additionally, it’s cold-blooded, so the implication that warmth+moistness somehow implicates a relation to clams is only half-true, and truly the word “lobstery” or “octopussy” could apply equally as well. (although I think the latter is used to mean “deactivating a nuclear warhead at the last second while wearing a clown-suit that a colleague was killed in” or even as an alternative form to mean pulling the old “swithcharoo” where, for example, you replace a priceless artifact with a fake of the same artifact and take the original for yourself.). And of course such such words are far more sound metaphorically.

But back to the existential implications of a clam’s emotions. It’s rather rather stupid to assume it has emotions. And certainly if it does the predominant one cannot possibly be happiness, but rather complete and utter boredom. I mean, the creature spends nearly it’s entire life completely motionless, filtering the fish crap from the ocean and eating it. Now, I’m no food critic, but fish crap is hardly my definition of fine dining. Sure, clams have a foot and can even swim, so they aren’t completely immobile, but you never watch horror movies about piranha-like clams that strip a creature to the bone in seconds, nope, such honours are reserved for piranhas (although I suppose my simile comparing clams to piranha’s sort of gave that away) which reminds me of that awful 1978 “piranha” movie. Which of course buys into the whole notion that pirahna will eat anything. which is ignoring all the scientific efforts I put in years ago! Why, during my experiments, I was trying to figure out why piranhas will reduce a monkey to the bone, but leave a baked potato untouched. It was important scientific research, and if I had discovered why I might have cured cancer. I believe this is the same facility where we were performing experiments to do the following:

-make a cat laugh
This had important connotations. First, we needed to determine wether cat’s simply had no sense of humour, or perhaps they were only amused by certain kinds of humour. We were unable to make a cat laugh, even after years of experimenting. We were certain we saw some smiles on the cats when we showed them makeshift propaganda videos that depicted a great cat leader telling his cat followers that they had finally taken every single grain silo in the world, and it was time to begin phase 2. This video was produced by a strange fellow named Catty Felinous McKitten, whom we later discovered wasn’t a human at all but rather an inpromptu and unexpected alliance between the OCAWYCAFALWCFOD (Old Cats Against Whatever the Young Cats Are For and Also Like Wet Cat Food as Opposed to Dry) and the young cats, who by that time had decided on the name “Young Cats Who Hate Animaniacs and Will Ally With Older Cats Only When It Serves All Catkind In Their Struggle For Control of the World’s Grain Supply” known by the shorthand YCWHAWAWOCOWISACITSFCWGC. (pronounced why chwa wah wookow isackit cerwug gik).

-turn a piece of toast back into bread.

This was really a spin off of a previous experiment where we tried to turn a cooked boiled egg back into a raw egg. I forget the exact reasons, but it was somehow related to extending the battery life of AAA batteries. Also, the market demand for an untoaster would reach unprecedented levels, on account of the fact that toasters have this tendency to either overtoast or undertoast, and with the technology behind an untoaster one could integrate the two using a series of low-quality timers like those used in toasters today to make it so that regardless of how skewed or useless the thermosistor used in the “darkness” knob is, the toast will always come out perfect, and if it is too dark you could set it the “untoast” mode and resolve that easily. It was discovered however that simply using a less shitty variable resistance timer on a actual toaster one can make one that works properly. No company has tried this, and only a few expensive (nearly 20 dollars) models are in existence.

-devising haircutting technology for frogs

We quickly met a dead end after many years of simulations when we realized that frogs didn’t have hair. we them wasted the next few years performing similar simulations for tadpoles, when the same was revealed for them. However, we were able to apply the haircutting technology successfully on true tadpoles (people with 1/8th or less Polish descent). The invention would have changed the world- it consisted of two blades, each with a single handle, connected using a single flexibly axis. by using the thumb to hold onto one handle and the rest to hold the other side, one can easily cut paper hair, and other similarly low shear strength materials. funding stopped when it was realized that what we invented was actually a pair of scissors.

-creating a unit for measuring freedom

With this we hope to rate a number of first-world countries based on their “freedom quantity”. our initial attempts to devise the system were common among those trying to devise a unit of measure- we chose two reference points, and gave them values. We chose the freedom inside a prison as the low point, and the freedom of a bird as the high point. However, our progress soon slowed as we started arguing amongst ourselves about exactly how free a bird truly is, and wether a animal needs to be sentient to actually be free. Additionally, many birds are placed in cages, so the simile “as free as a bird” cannot possibly compare to them. Not to mention the fact that Canary’s were used extensively to test the dangers of deep areas of a mine. (except in areas, such as Canada, where Canary cages were hard to come by. We improvised and just sent some chinese guys, which worked out fine… well, for us, not necessarily for the chinamen)- (serious sidebar: this is absolutely true, that and even more inhumane acts, such as sending them in to explode dynamite without giving them enough time to get away. This was during the building of the transcontinental Canadian Railroad, which was a condition of British Columbia’s entrance into the confederation. Additionally, the line itself served as a buffer to keep those nasty American’s from yelling “manifest destiny” and scoffing up the remaining parts of British North America not yet confederated as provinces or territories)

-make a clam smile

This was actually a offshoot from the initial discussion about “happy as a clam” that we had in the lunchroom. We all agreed that since seeing a clam smile was completely dependent on your perspective, we should try to make it so the clam truly forms a smile in the traditional sense. We did modify our definition and define the “mouth” as the bivalve opening, And we did have to stop our experiments on howler monkeys, AND we never did get clams to smile. We wrote the experiment off after a few years as “as hard to do as getting a cat to laugh” difficulties which we of course had first hand knowledge of.

Posted By: BC_Programming
Last Edit: 18 Oct 2011 @ 09:12 AM

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 08 Jul 2010 @ 11:57 AM 

I previous discussed the dangers of the deadly giant Earthworm. Recently, a new discovery has been made, the tiny Anaconda, which has been dubbed the “MicroConda”.

This is a force to be reckoned with. The Life cycle of the Microconda consists of the following phases:

First, they are born as a sort of virus. Microscopic in size, and they infect bacteria that live in a mammal’s intestines. The bacteria don’t die, but the MicroConda Larvae virus infiltrates the cell nucleus and changes the mitocondrial DNA to collect phosporus from the bloodstream. This is used and combined to create a photosensitive mitochondria. The virus then uses it’s powers of nucleic persuasion to do this to two mitochondria, forming eyes. A side effect (and therefore a symtom of microCondal infection) is that all excrement from the mammal will glow bright Orange. Once the infected bacteria are released in this fashion,they seep into the ground where they are ingested by tree roots. Through a process known as osmosis, the tree sap (as well as the infected/mind-controlled bacteria) finds it’s way to the forest canopy, and finds it’s way into a leaf.At this point, the larvae form simply waits until a leaf-miner caterpillar eats it. It infects the caterpillar and reprograms it so that it eats almost three times as fast as your standard leaf-miner. At the same time, it reprograms the DNA instructions that will be “executed” when the caterpillar enters it’s chrysalis. The leaf-miner, due to it’s larger intake of food grows to epic proportions, to the point where it is nearly 3 feet long. Since this is readily visible to predators, the virus creates a networked computer system inside the caterpillar, using the caterpillars organs as a sort of Bio-Nemetic processor. Using this, it also puts up a meta-phasic shield around the caterpillar, which turns any predator within 3 feet of it into a flaming mess.

At this point, the larvae sets a course for the most stable branch of the tree, and begins the reconfiguration process by initiating the formation of a chrysalis. During this time, the larvae has created a sort of replicator technology and protects the chrysalis using a metal alloy, in addition to the shields described earlier.

During the reconfiguration process, the larvae reconfigures the caterpillar slightly so that instead of forming a butterfly, it creates a small interstellar spacecraft that is capable of faster then light travel (easier then it sounds really, in fact the butterflies as they are today are really a result of a cosmic ray that hit one of the first evolved caterpillars and knocked it’s gene sequence out of whack, so that they all have the “do not form a interstellar light-speed capable starship” gene.). Once the larvae emerges in it’s newfound starship, it spends exactly 13 nights hovering around the globe in front of very drunk and paranoid people, as well as those who like to form UFO conspiracy theories, knowing full well that not only will they think they were much larger then they were but also that they were real starships.

After the 13-day rest, the larvae sets course for Mars, where it sits dormant in the Martian soil in order to confuse scientists. It makes a deliberate effort to try to be scooped up in any Rovers that come by, in an attempt to further confuse people about wether there is life on Mars. After (usually in vain) waiting there for another 13 years, the Larvae (yes, it’s still a larvae) powers up it’s Engines and sets course away from Earth. This is where the cycle get’s confusing- Nobody really knows what happens to it, but it always returns on Memorial Day 15 years later at exactly 10:00 PM GMT, which is the exact time Oprah is on in Little Rock Arkansas, but because of the memorial day parades and stuff the Larvae doesn’t get to see it. Because of it’s long isolation on Mars, it blames humanity for it’s troubles, and is intent on causing at least 3 unsolved mysteries and one cold case that is eventually blamed on the victims father on law. It does this by cleverly shooting each subject in the face with a AA torpedo, which is similar to a Photon Torpedo but instead of a Engine driving by fictitious warp plasma it runs on 2 AA batteries. the cold case is inevitably solved in some way or another by the Larvae leaving behind one of the batteries.

About this time, it faces the alter-ego of itself- the Boogers. These are formed when the Larvae accidentally infects a caterpillar that becomes a moth instead of a Butterfly. Due to the increased complications involved in trying to reprogram the moth to become a spaceship (unlike the butterfly, which as I stated would naturally metamorphose into a Interstellar starship if not for the supression gene) the Moth instead has a gene that suppresses it from becoming Liam Gallagher, who, ineffectually, is in fact the single case where the Larvae was unable to change the DNA fast enough to prevent the onset of Gallagralitis.

Those Microconda Larvae which, after reading through a few pages of the code comments on the Caterpillar’s DNA, determine that they are in fact inside the wrong type of caterpillar, set quickly to work on trying to limit the damage and try ot set them to metamorphize into something more useful. The lucky ones are able to cause the Caterpillar to metamorphize into a large perfect cube of mucus, which have been dubbed “boogers” by most 5 year olds who have seen it. The unlucky ones (only one so far) are unable to prevent the inevitable and accidentally cause the caterpillar to metamorph into Liam Gallagher. Thankfully, this has only happened once, and the other few instances were deep in the jungle where he lived his life out as a Howler Monkey. (actually wait, that’s the same as the one who managed to pass as human… oh well).

Now, back to the “boogers”. Now, As I said, these were the lucky ones. they were able to salvage their situation and still create a interstellar starship with metaphasic shielding, however, the one difference is that they have to wait nearly 60 hours for their outter layer of mucus to try before they enter lightspeed. As it happens, they often encounter the more successful “butterfly” marvae when they return from their sabbatical on Mars. The Boogered Moth only has one goal in mind, assimilation of everything else. It wants to integrate everything into it’s collective. however, unlike the species that I am obviously basing this off, they are a lot smaller. Most of their drones consist of grasshoppers and the occasional Lichen, neither of which are very useful. The “mucus” implants are really just a thin coating of mucus that does nothing to enhance their abilities, and there is no need to supress their will because, I mean, their grasshoppers, lichens, and a few stray bits of fluff. Oh, and some wasps. The wasps are probably the easiest to control I would imagine, they have one of the simplest DNA programs. So anyway, they inevitably meet with the vastly superior Butterfly version, and they engage in combat- Usually in and around the Asteroid belt, where the Butterfly Larvae is able to fire far more AA torpedoes then it had originally. The Booger cube uses it’s established defense tactic of moving lazily to the left, which keeps the Butterfly version on it’s toes.

The outcome is different everytime.

Well, that’s not true, there are only 4 possibilities:

1. the Butterfly Larvae wessel destroys the booger cube

2. The Booger cube assimilates the Butterfly larvae ship.

3. Both are destroyed in an ambush by T.I.E fighters

4. Neither one is destroyed, and the butterfly larvae instead moves into a career as a rock musician, while the Booger cube supresses it’s “pretty” gene a little further and becomes a common member on “The View”.

Now, the Butterfly larvae wins most of the time, being that the Booger Cubes best defense against the AA torpedoes are mucus torpedoes, which aren’t very useful. At this point, regardless of who wins, they celebrate by visiting my Aunt Martha for a bowl of Brown beans. Yes, she is intricately involved in the ecology of a species. I warned her that she was breaking the Prime directive, then I realize that was a completely fictitious law and it was a lot funner to do the opposite anyway. It actually all started when she left the spaghetti leftovers in the fridge for nearly a year. by the time somebody found them they had already grown sentient and had even started their own version of American Idol. (And no, being sentient and watching American Idol don’tcreate an oxymoron). Apparently they had been holding frequent referendums between those spaghetti strands that lived touching the sauce (known as saucicans) and those not touching the sauce (whose name isn’t important, I think they called them John Mayer’s because of their intrinsic boring quality.) Anyway When my Uncle Ruddiger opened it up, he released the Flying Spaghetti monster, and it has become a ridiculous meme on internet forums and chatrooms ever since. The flying Spaghetti Monster laid eggs and gave birth to the very first Microcondan life forms, which are really only snake-like for a few days.

Anyways, After visiting my aunt Martha, the spend the next 2 years going back in time and just barely making it back, and finally decide that while they don’t necessarily like Fresca, it’s not the worst drink in the world, and it’s certainly good to hae around fort diabetics, who are rather sensitive to their sugar intake. After havingthis epiphany, the StarShip’s Self-destruct is activated and the Larvae leaves using an escape pod, this escape pod is in fact a long slender organic mass, and is a snake like form as well. At this point it hides itself in Cajun cooking and is ingested. There it lays it’s eggs and is excreted, and then flushed down the toilet. It makes it’s way to the sewage treatment plant, where, by careful planning, it manages to sabotage the entire place so that instead of outputting treated sewage it gives out Coca Cola (it only takes a few minor adjustments and a touch of lemon). With it’s newfound business sense, it now roams across the country converting sewage treatment plants to Coca-Cola bottling knock-off plants. However it is soon discovered that the MicroConda isn’t actually a human being, which puts a dent in his credibility (namely, the large speech bubble on every can saying “Yes, I am a human being”. It slinks off into the shadows, returning only shortly to plan a trip to the Amazon Rainforest where it grew up. At this point, in a twisted set of logic, the Microconda is thinking “haha, I am so doing this of my own free will, my base instincts would never send me back to the rainforest I grew up, when in fact, that is exactly what is happening. Little does he know it, but the cycle is about to complete.

So, he goes on a tour in the rainforest, pretty much the same one that they filmed that Anaconda film on. Speaking of which, that film was pretty awful. Anyways, once there, it ends up getting in a rather heated debate over toilet paper brands with a local Howler monkey, and soon things start getting personal, both sides start questioning the parentage of the other, the promiscuity of each of their mothers is brought up, as well as their immense weight and various other negative traits. (around this time it becomes clear that while one is a howler monkey and the other is a Microconda that a fraction their size, both of their mothers are some sort of diesel or other high octane fuelled locomotive.

After much debate, they both decide to settle their differences by agreeing to disagree, and they both go out for soda. The Microconda, because of his previous epiphany, orders a Fresca. The Howler monkey starts (what else) an intelligent debate about the carcinogenic effects of aspartame, to which the Microconda eloquently replies that there is no real solid evidence either way, and until there is an established, medically sound report that conclusively proves otherwise he wasn’t going to let nonsense rule over his choices. The howler monkey, at this time, requests that they have butt sex, which the Microconda of course politely declines, “It’s not you, it’s me, I don’t have an anus” he replies. The howler Monkey, heartbroken but quite understanding to the Microconda suggests that he have anal reconstructive surgery in which he can finally achieve his lifelong dream of owning an Anus.

After many years of planning the operation, Dr A. Tear finally decides that it is doable. So, on the following Tuesday, The Microconda finally has an operation to give him an Anus. The Observatorium is packed with onlookers, I was among them- I distinctly recall ordering two hot dogs and a ice cold beer from the fellow selling refreshments, in fact, which I ate and drank while watching the Microconda being torn a new butt-hole, so to speak. Or should I say literally… I don’t know.

Unfortunately in the second half of the operation there were complications, namely, Dr. Ass Tear forgot which side of the Microconda was his new butt and which one was his mouth, and started working on the wrong side. This was quickly corrected when I threw my shoe at him from a distance.

After recovering from the surgery for nearly 12 minutes, the Dr. declared it was a complete success. At that point he informed us that he’d like to keep the Microconda here for at least a week for observation, which seemed fine to me, I mean, I was only sort of related to him through my Aunt martha, and even that was a Dubious connection. The Howler monkey did (what else?) differential equations to pass the time, and tutored his many advanced astrophysics students in the finer points of Einsteins Special theory of relativity, namely the importance of reference frames. Or maybe that the General theory. I don’t know, I was reading some awful MacCleans magazines from 1994.

After the Microconda recovered, he prompty returned home to his wife, Mrs.Howler monkey, with whom he engaged in frequent butt sex. Unfortunately, during one such episode, the chainsaw they were using became sentient and wrote rude words on the floor. The landlady of the area was not impressed at all and evicted both of them, where they both lived on the street as vagrants for a year before finally starting their own restaurant, “Howling Snake” It was mildly successful, at least until that incident where started to murder anybody who tried to pay with a discover card. Once again homeless vagrants in addition to being fugitives from the law, they started to live the homeless life which consisted of mostly not having a home. They made small change by having the Howler monkey do (what else) derived calculus equations on the street for money. unfortunately, their luck quickly got a lot worse. on a trip to the amazon rainforest, The Microconda caught a mild disease known as the “uncommon cold”. On his death bed, and dying of an unrelated anal aneurysm, the Microconda promised that wherever they met again, butt sex would surely follow. the Howler monkey did (what else?) spatial IQ puzzles. Shortly after, the Microconda died of Natural causes. As his last request, he wanted to be burned, transformed into a fine paste, spread on toast, and thrown into the rainforest. Nobody knows why- the common belief is that it was the fashion of the time. In any case, certain cells regenerated and formed new MicroConda Virii which continued the cycle once again.

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Posted By: BC_Programming
Last Edit: 18 Oct 2011 @ 09:13 AM

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