A Forum post I’ve decided to graduate to the enviable position of Blog post, Because it reaches my minimum de facto word count and because I haven’t had humourous stories for a while. For the record the first part is true, but I amend the story with a possible TV series adaptation.
RANDOM STORY TIME. this happened almost 10 years ago (9, really) so it might not be 100% accurate, but it was pretty epic. Though it doesn’t have much to do with this topic. Than again this is a rather odd topic to find on this forum regardless so I thought I’d give it some content. No offense.
One time I was at a grocery store. Well, that’s not true. I’ve actually been to them several times, but this was one specific instance. Anyway, what I was getting is neither important, nor do I remember it, though I do remember I also got a few peanuts. This was odd because I’m not usually a peanut person and also because it helped me in a “crowning moment of awesome” to quote tvtropes. Anyway, as luck would have it one of the registers was staffed by one of my friends I had been working up the nerve to ask out. In actual fact that was partially why I chose that store, though the main reason was it was the closest. Nonetheless, opportunity smiled upon me. As I waited in line the customers ahead of me turned out to know her. (Which isn’t surprising, they turned out to be two of those pretentious and inexplicably popular girls that every high school seems to have, though not to the scale that TV and movies seem to suggest. Nonetheless, They were your typical shallow B-words. Anyway In typical B-word fashion their exchanges with her consisted primarily of passive-aggressive comments. Some high-school crap which I don’t remember and wasn’t important, and was certainly <highly> inappropriate given the setting, but of course being the queen B-words of the school they felt they were above all things. I saw my chance when they said something to the accord of “how do you expect guys to notice you if you don’t look beautiful ” and with that last word she did one of those idiotic things where she shook her hair around. Pretentious git. (This made no sense because the girl in question was pretty bloody good looking if you ask me) I jumped into this, much to all three of their surprise since I was usually the quiet type. “Well, let’s see, I’ve talked to both of you (addressing the “customers”) and I’ve talked to her. With her I’ve had interesting conversations on a variety of subjects and issues, some of which she is clearly my intellectual better; with you two, on the other hand, I believe I would have had an equally intellectual conversation if I was to tape two cantaloupes to a piece of cardboard. Obviously, I cannot speak for all guys, but for myself I’d much rather associate with and be seen with somebody smart like her (at which point I pointed at the girl behind the counter) than either of you two, who on a good day might be able to combine your abilities to match this container of peanuts at checkers with some extensive tutelage”.
CROWNING MOMENT OF AWESOME. When I think of school, that event is the first thing I think of. Naturally, all three of them were speechless. I remember hearing the one person who was behind me in line giggling. They were already done their transaction so they left, and she started to ring me through. “So what am I smarter than you at, exactly?”. “That, you will need to find out on your own.”.
After that event, which was one of those stories that just BEGS to be told, our circle of friends started referring to those other two girls as “the cantaloupes”. It was awesome. Then she moved away and I haven’t seen her since. The end. It’s beautiful. I was considering having it made into a television series. With the appropriate plot changes to incorporate explosions. My idea was that it would occur in winter and somehow in the ten minutes I was in the store the entire thing would be covered and snowed in. I’m sure I can cover that with some stupid psychobabble. Maybe I could have a robot that I built that is an expert at human-cyborg relations to explain it. Anyway basically what happens is the weight on the ceiling is intense enough to cause a rafter from the high ceiling to break loose. I would swoop in and grab all three of them and take them to safety, without breaking a sweat, thanks to being ten feet tall and built like a tank. At this point a variant of the above scenario would occur, possibly ending with the drinking of maple syrup. As time wears on the individuals locked inside form alliances and separate into different tribes. dictated mostly by which areas they occupy. For example, there would be the produce tribe, the dairy tribe, and the delicatessen tribe. I make a nemesis, Tim, too. During the second season, everything changes however as we discover that the grocery store is in fact a starship, however the bridge of the ship is in one of those “employees only” doors and as such is protected by a magical force field allowing only employees to enter. This is where my character’s love interest (my past one, but no matter) comes in.(Oh yeah all the other people working there were turned into soup late in the first season by the raiders from the noodle isle.). She’s the only one that can go through the force field, but the moment she steps through it, the U.S.S Quality goes on red alert, which alerts the manager to her presence; he’s been locked in his office since the start of the series locked in his office, because he has a rare disorder that makes him want to tie people up and take them hostage for no reason. So of course she get’s captured and I yell one of those NOOOO things. I was thinking the scene could be a Piano solo by Randy Newman, much like the series intro. Of course, because I’m 10 feet tall and built like a tank (much like my real life self, of course) I manage to use the power of love to break through the employees only force field, with a little help from a bazooka I find in the firearms isle (I guess it’s an American grocery store), and an experimental laser I find in the spice isle, which is a clear case where somebody decided they didn’t want something and just plopped it on the nearest shelf. This only makes me angrier, of course. So I manage to break through and get the Manager to surrender his prisoner. At this point there is a tearful scene:
BC Played by The Rock: I’m here to rescue you! haha, I’ve always wanted to say that. Seriously though you alright? The manager didn’t try to force you to do anything cruel or unnatural, like watch I Love Lucy or anything, did he?
BC’s old love interest whose name started with a K but I’ve embarrassingly forgotten:You’ve changed!
BC Played by the Rock: yeah, I was able to find a change of clothes. It was touch and go there for a while, glad you noticed.
K: No, I mean you’re different now. Now you use violence to solve problems instead of before, where you just sort of let other people deal with it
BC Played by the Rock: yeah, it rules
*this part would be in the spoiler commercial*
K: I’m pregnant.
BC: Cool, I don’t remember the fun part of that, though, which concerns me. Was it really that bad that I blocked it out of my memory?
K: It’s Tim’s
BC: Oh, that’s a relief. I was worried for a momen…. HEY WAIT A SECOND.
And cue ending credits of that episode. naturally played by Randy Newman.
I think it holds real promise myself. It’s better than Lost, at least.
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